The worst film I have ever seen

I have been racking my brains to remember the worst films I have ever seen. This is very subjective of course and the films that I hate may be - in fact almost certainly are - adored by other people - but I am film critic of some renown and know rubbish when I see it.

There are films that Cate and I have walked out of. One I can remember distinctly was Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. I quite liked the first Bridget Jones movie - and really should have known better than to see a sequel. We lasted only ten minutes.

Another was Hoodlum with Laurence Fishburne and it had Tim Roth - so I expected more. It was ghastly. crass, gross, vile, disgusting.

One that I wanted to walk out on was Swordfish with Hugh Jackman - but I was with some people who really needed to see as much of Hugh Jackman as they could - so I was trapped.

This is the one where he is a computer whiz and under duress is required to perform miracles deciphering code or debugging things at maniacal speed - fingers flashing across the keyboard.

He never gets messages saying “Internet Explorer has stopped working - please wait while we look for a solution” (don’t bother - there isn’t one!)

A recent one was Australia. We were in a hotel somewhere and paid an extraordinary amount of money to watch this on the crappy TV in the hotel room. Strangely - no matter that Cate stays in 4 and 5 star hotels when she travels on business - the TVs are often crappy - and they all have really terrible reception. It is like watching the screen through a bed sheet.

After 15 minutes of Australia we agreed that it was not worth watching so turned it off.

I think (and I am guessing) that because it is a Baz Luhrmann movie it was probably a caricature of Australia and some Australians and was not supposed to represent them as they are in real life. Just as we are presented in movies like Crocodile Dundee and that sort of stuff. Knuckleheads with funny accents who drink a lot of beer.

Anyway - it was a pile of steaming nonsense and not worth the effort. We would have been better off watching Mammary Lane which was on the Adult Channel. This featured Tyfanee Starr and Stud Burrell who are two of my favorite actors.

I can remember some others - but it might be like what they say about childbirth - the longer ago it was - the less you remember about the bad bits.

One that will never leave me. One that was so excruciatingly and cloyingly awful - one that has left an indelible stain on my mind which will never be erased - is Pearl Harbor.

This for me was the worst film ever I have ever seen for so many, many reasons.

It is a pretty simple story - told very well in fact in Tora, Tora, Tora. The Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor and catch part of the American fleet at anchor. Many die. America enters the war.

Hmmm.....how can we make that TARFU?

I know - let’s make it a love story with - wait for it - Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett (groan).

Let’s turn a simple plot into something so implausible that it will make people gasp with disbelief.

let’s give them some totally risible dialogue and retch inducing moments so that people Laugh out Loud during the film. i.e.

RAF Squadron Leader speaking to American pilot back from shooting down Jerry.

“Some people frown on the Yanks for not being in this war. I'd just like to say that if there are any more back home like you, God help anyone who goes to war with America.”

Well - we cannot have the movie ending with a defeat for the Americans so we have to extend it to cover Doolittle’s raid on Tokyo.

Yes I know this has nothing to do with Pearl Harbor. Oh - and let’s have the fighter pilots fly the bombers - well they are airplanes aren’t they? Engines and wings - what’s the difference?

Let’s take a film with really terrific potential and fuck it up so badly it becomes unwatchable except to the hammered, stoned and mentally impaired and really old people in nursing homes who are propped up in front of the TV by nurse and left there for the duration whimpering silently and trying to commit self-euthanasia through will power alone.

I will never see another film this bad again - simply because I will refuse to watch it. When I saw this I was trapped with a group of people and had to content myself with some discrete groans and sighs - theirs and mine.

The best part about the film is the enormous number of hilarious derogatory reviews it generated on IMDB.

It won many awards - and - except for one - all for sound, music, editing and special effects. Strangely it won the award in China for Outstanding Translated Foreign Film.

I think that perhaps the translators took a local view of the dialogue and made some changes. i.e.

RAF Squadron Leader speaking to American pilot back from shooting down Jerry.

“You have proved your bravery against the fascist hordes but are still an Imperialist Running Dog and and not worthy to lick our boots . Grovel before the proletariat you American swine.”

Oh - and this film capped Ben Affleck’s nomination by the Razzies for “Worst Actor of the Decade”. A title he so richly deserved.