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Monday, March 20, 2017

Las Vegas

Friday

I got on a plane in Indianapolis and landed in one of the circles of hell. I should have known this from the plane trip. There was a drunk woman sitting behind me and she shouted and shrieked for the entire excruciating 3.5 hour trip. I think she may also vomited and defecated but I did not dare look. 

I have never seen anything like the Venetian hotel. I never wish to see anything like it again. If I was wearing a jock strap and sandals I would be overdressed here. There are poker machines in the airport. There are poker machines everywhere. And they smoke everywhere - EVERY FUCKING WHERE!

To get to our room we have to walk miles through acres of poker machines and smokers. 

We had dinner in a French restaurant and it was expensive so we figured that we would avoid most of the drunken women with their tits hanging out and the men with green hair and green shirts vomiting into the pot plants. 

It was so dark the only way I could read the menu was to photograph it with my iPhone and enlarge it on the screen. 

It's very noisy here we said to the receptionist and yes she said it is St Patrick's day and also MARCH MADNESS. 

This apparently causes many young people in America to congregate in places like Las Vegas and drink themselves insensible and wake up in the morning covered in vomit and semen. 

We did not venture outside. We asked where the quietest bar was and were directed to a place where there appeared to be a couple of hundred people engaged in hand to hand combat accompanied by heavy metal music and TV screens showing snuff porn. 

We went back to our room and ordered a $12 bottle of Pinot Grigio. This translated into a check for $120 but if you need to drink yourself insensible money is no object.

Saturday

Today we went to Death Valley. It was very hot and very stark. It looks like most of America will look like after 4 years of Trump. 

I did not bring my camera on this trip because I did not think we would be touring the countryside. However - after in evening in Las Vegas we decided we needed to escape. It was not like I expected it to be but was sensational scenery. People camp out - in RVs of course - to see the night sky. 

Tonite we went to see Cirque de Soleil at the MGM Grand. This was about a mile from our hotel and it was hot so I said to Cate that we should catch a cab. No we will walk she said. I have never experienced anything quite like it. The strip is hard to describe but imagine more people you have ever seen in one place in your life all wearing clothes that look like they have been fired backwards through a thrift shop and - toss in a helping of drunks, panhandlers and near naked women - add excruciating music bellowing from every restaurant and shop and you are starting to get the idea. 

Most people seem to dress like they are just about to go to bed or else they woke up naked and in a drunken stupor after a party and put on what they could find in the trash can. 

It took us 40 minutes to walk a mile because there are many, many unavoidable detours as you are funneled into drinking, music and shopping areas. By the time we got to the hotel Cate was crippled with blisters and was hobbling. 

The MGM Grand is as terrifying as most other hotels but we found a very nice Italian restaurant and steadied our nerves with Lasagna and Soave. The show was wonderful. We got a cab home and crashed.

On this trip we used this Allegiant Air because it is the only one that goes from Indy to Las Vegas direct. We will basically do anything to avoid transiting through Chicago

This is one of those airlines where you pay to select a seat and pay to carry a bag on board and pay to get priority boarding. There is a box for donations on the way out of the plane.

When we first got TSA pre approval there were not too many people who used the facility. The TSA pre lane is the one where you do not have to remove your shoes and belt and take your iPad out of your bag. 

These days it is always immensely crowded and it is quicker to go through the non TSA pre lane. But we generally don't do it because we cannot be bothered taking shoes and belts off. 

Also in the TSA pre lane people are not shouted at quite so much. It makes me nervous when security people shout at me for an infraction I was not aware that I committed. There are so many possible infractions that there should be a manual and exams. 

They are always shouting SIR! SIR! you cannot……..

These people lie awake at night thinking about new tortures for passengers. I guess I would too if I was paid so little for dealing with an endless line of grumpy and whimpering passengers. 


In the Venetian monstrosity in which we stayed there was no way to the rooms except via the casino. I guess all the hotels are the same. We would not mind this except that smoking is allowed in the casino and we had to run the gauntlet every time we went out and came back. 

This is because many chronic gamblers are addicted to smoking. So in most parts of the USA you cannot smoke because smoking and passive smoking are lethal. But in Las Vegas your money is much more important than your health. So go broke and die. 

In the elevators the music being played is all classical and we heard Pachelbel and Brahms. In fact I think it may have been baroque music when we traveled 9 floors with a a man with a gut the size of Texas. He was not wearing a shirt and was sucking on a bottle of beer. He was also a world class belcher. 

There are trucks in the streets with signs saying that there a girls who would like to meet me. Well I sincerely doubt that but I was willing to meet one - but Cate would not let me dial the number. 

There are some interesting shows own in Las Vegas. One that caught my eye was Donny and Marie Osmond who have apparently been rated the number 1 show for the last three years.

Up until I saw that sign I had imagined the Donny and Marie would by now be in a nursing home being fed mashed peas but no - they are battling on and I guess they must really like what they do. 

But the act that astonished me was the Righteous Brothers. They are still going? Well actually as you all know they were neither righteous or brothers and one of them died from a drug overdose - but the survivor - Bill Medley has teamed up with Bucky Heard to storm Las Vegas. Unchained Melody has always been on one of my playlists. 

I no longer feel so old. 

Last week I was doing a new playlist for my iPhone - which I use in the car - and I deleted - for the first time ever - Chuck Berry. He took this rather badly as you know.

And he was working on a new album. 

There is hope for us all. 

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

You should do it with some style.

I have been having a few eye problems which have slowed me down a bit but my sight does not seem to be getting any worse so I expect it will clear up. I am seeing the doc in another couple of weeks. 

But I can do everything apart from read or write very well - and this is not a huge burden given that there is not much one would want to read these days in this country because it is mainly bad news followed by worse news. 

However the appalling daily news is inevitably punctuated by insane tweets by the orange dickhead in the oval office. These are exponentially flabbergasting and I just wonder where he can go next. I think he jumped the shark with the ‘Obama bugged me’ tweets so I think he must be just about done. 

Although he does seem to get all of his news from Breitbart and Alex Jones and the other masses of unhinged people on the far right  - so we may get a rerun of ‘Obama was a a male prostitute before he became President’. 

Cate has been accepted in a program in Morocco where she will go to build schools and stuff like that for a couple of weeks - in late May. 

I was not aware that Cate had any skills at all in the area of construction but she may surprise us all. We have been wanting to go to Morocco for a long time so she will take a week at the end of her work so we can take a trip in the desert.  

I am taking photography lessons. I have had a DSLR camera for many years and have only ever taken photos on full automatic. I decided that it was probably about time to actually start taking decent photos. 

I have learned about the exposure triangle and am taking lots of photos of apples. I am well pleased with some of them.

A man from somewhere comes to Indianapolis every couple of months to sell Four’N Twenty meat pies. These were invented in the town in Australia in which I was born - two years after I was born. 

I have no idea how this local pie things happens but they are delicious pies and remind me of home. So I have been getting stuck in to them while Cate has been in China and Japan. 

I am playing chess weekly with my mate David. I had no idea there was someone on the planet who played chess as badly as I do so we are a match made in heaven. In honor of this auspicious event I have purchased a new hand carved board and pieces. 

Even when you play as badly as we do you should do it with some style.  

Monday, February 13, 2017

Not my problem

I woke up on Saturday and discovered that I could not read properly. I have funny little blotches all over the place in front of my eyes so many of the words are missing when I try to read anything. 

This is not necessarily a bad thing because there is simply not much worth reading at the moment that provides comfort to a delicate soul like me. 

But because I can read only half of what I see - I only get half as cross. 

But I must say that I am getting a lot less cross as time moves on. This could well be because Indiana’s behavior is so appalling and so disgraceful that everything else - even the antics of the orange fluffbudgy - pale into insignificance. 

So I spent two hours with the eye doctor today and he concluded after an intense examination that he did not know what was wrong with me so he has referred me to a specialist  - where I go tomorrow morning.

I asked him if I should get new glasses and he said let’s not worry about that at the moment - and I have worried about that statement ever since. 

So I have carried out a brief assessment of the seeing eye dog capabilities of both Georgia and Indiana. 

At the mercy of Georgia I would spend an immense amount of time standing in front of the treat cupboard - and would never leave the house. 

As for Indiana - well with her I would be dragged miles on my stomach - shouting hoarsely for her to stop - as she galloped towards whatever she gallops towards. I have no idea what this is but she always wants to go somewhere and it is always at a gallop. 

And (spare me) she is now bigger than Georgia.

So after we walked them together last week Cate said ‘fuck me I am not doing that again’ or words similar to that 

And if you are wondering how I can write this without being able to see - then I should tell you that I am using one eye - squinting - and my nose is pressed to the screen of computer. 

And the fact that my personal trainer works me like a drover’s dog does not help at all. He says things like ‘this is the last one’ and when I finish and collapse sobbing on the floor he says ‘well just one more set’. 

So after gym I am nearly comatose and then have to deal with the travails of the day. 

So over the last week I have made many bookings for flights and hotels and shuttles and all sorts of things. I could not begin to tell you how hard it is to fly from Indianapolis to Paris if you are traveling Lufthansa. 

Lufthansa flies from JFK. United flies only to Newark. American flies to JFK but only on Shrove Tuesdays when the moon is full. 

So I have to go to Newark and get shuttles to JFK and on the way home I have to stay (shriek) at Newark overnite - but I am not staying in the rat infested hovel where we stayed last time. 

And there is so much to do here it makes my head spin. There are two people in this house - why is the washing machine going 18 hours every day. Where does all this dust come from. Does UPS deliver it in bags and Cate spreads it around the house and then puts her white gloves on and wipes the surfaces - and says hmmmm. 

So I really don't have time for politics. I have accepted the fact that the orange fuckweasel is not my president. I am not a citizen and I did not vote. 

And we will not be here to suffer the consequences of fucknuckle and his band of trogs.