Monday, February 13, 2017

Not my problem

I woke up on Saturday and discovered that I could not read properly. I have funny little blotches all over the place in front of my eyes so many of the words are missing when I try to read anything. 

This is not necessarily a bad thing because there is simply not much worth reading at the moment that provides comfort to a delicate soul like me. 

But because I can read only half of what I see - I only get half as cross. 

But I must say that I am getting a lot less cross as time moves on. This could well be because Indiana’s behavior is so appalling and so disgraceful that everything else - even the antics of the orange fluffbudgy - pale into insignificance. 

So I spent two hours with the eye doctor today and he concluded after an intense examination that he did not know what was wrong with me so he has referred me to a specialist  - where I go tomorrow morning.

I asked him if I should get new glasses and he said let’s not worry about that at the moment - and I have worried about that statement ever since. 

So I have carried out a brief assessment of the seeing eye dog capabilities of both Georgia and Indiana. 

At the mercy of Georgia I would spend an immense amount of time standing in front of the treat cupboard - and would never leave the house. 

As for Indiana - well with her I would be dragged miles on my stomach - shouting hoarsely for her to stop - as she galloped towards whatever she gallops towards. I have no idea what this is but she always wants to go somewhere and it is always at a gallop. 

And (spare me) she is now bigger than Georgia.

So after we walked them together last week Cate said ‘fuck me I am not doing that again’ or words similar to that 

And if you are wondering how I can write this without being able to see - then I should tell you that I am using one eye - squinting - and my nose is pressed to the screen of computer. 

And the fact that my personal trainer works me like a drover’s dog does not help at all. He says things like ‘this is the last one’ and when I finish and collapse sobbing on the floor he says ‘well just one more set’. 

So after gym I am nearly comatose and then have to deal with the travails of the day. 

So over the last week I have made many bookings for flights and hotels and shuttles and all sorts of things. I could not begin to tell you how hard it is to fly from Indianapolis to Paris if you are traveling Lufthansa. 

Lufthansa flies from JFK. United flies only to Newark. American flies to JFK but only on Shrove Tuesdays when the moon is full. 

So I have to go to Newark and get shuttles to JFK and on the way home I have to stay (shriek) at Newark overnite - but I am not staying in the rat infested hovel where we stayed last time. 

And there is so much to do here it makes my head spin. There are two people in this house - why is the washing machine going 18 hours every day. Where does all this dust come from. Does UPS deliver it in bags and Cate spreads it around the house and then puts her white gloves on and wipes the surfaces - and says hmmmm. 

So I really don't have time for politics. I have accepted the fact that the orange fuckweasel is not my president. I am not a citizen and I did not vote. 

And we will not be here to suffer the consequences of fucknuckle and his band of trogs. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Oh say can you see

Things are moving at a rapid pace here.

I have decided to go to Paris in March to see my daughter and two of my grandchildren. The others are in Australia and I shall go there soon.

We have also decided that we should go to Las Vegas for my birthday.

Naturally I booked Paris first and then booked Las Vegas for basically the same dates. 

This is an uncanny knack I have had for many years. I have brutally murdered a number of bookings over the years because I book flights to leave places before we get there - and stuff like that.

Nowadays I always pay extra so that I can cancel flights and hotels without any problems because I just know that when I make a booking I am going to have to change it.

When I am in the process of booking it all seems perfectly sensible and logical but days later when I check it…..well.

We have decided to go to Las Vegas because we think it is one of those places that just has to be seen. I think it will be execrable -  because we hate all the glitz and the glamor and the gambling but we will certainly have lots of fun. But there are some good restaurants. 

We are staying in the Venetian resort which has its own canal with gondolas and men in striped shirts who sing opera. Can’t wait for that. I may sing along. 

And incidentally in Indianapolis we also have a canal with gondolas where men in striped shirts sing opera. This is very weird but you get accustomed to it after a while and given that most people in the mid west have never traveled further than the next state -  for them it is probably quite exotic.

And we are going to see Cirque de Soleil. This was a bit doubtful at first but I spoke to the bank manager and she has given us a second mortgage. 

I am looking forward to Paris. I love Paris. I have been there a lot - maybe 50 times - and am always captivated by the city. It has changed a lot since I first started going there in the 70s and it never ceases to amaze me. 

It also gives me a chance to boot my once fluent French into life. I once worked for  French bank and spoke really good French. Nowadays I start speaking in French and people interrupt me and say - ‘Would you like to speak English’. 

For which the only appropriate response is ‘Fuck you - you cheese eating surrender monkey’ but of course I just fall in line.

But I am tough. I live in America where the president is a lunatic. I can cope with anything you throw at me.  

Cate and I spoke last year about the possibility of us staying in America when she retired. 


We need to get out of here as soon as possible and now all we talk about is how soon we can leave. 

This blithering orange idiot is going to do so much damage that it may take this country 50 years to recover from the devastation he has planned with his willing compatriots. 

In centuries to come they will talk about ‘Putin’s puppet’ and the destruction he wreaked upon the home of the brave and the land of the fucked. 

Friday, February 3, 2017

This is America!

I forgot to tell you about how excited I am about Beyonce being pregnant. 

Fuck me dead this is such fantastic news. 

The people starving to death in Africa and the Syrians being slaughtered in their thousands rise as one and say how excited they are about this truly phenomenal event. 

And twins! Holy shit - this is truly a miraculous intervention by the one who loves us and guides us all. Who else would give us so much joy in the face of the excrescence of the toxic presidency

Clearly this is God's work. 

Sure he fucked up badly with DJT but he is making amends with this sensational life giving experience. Do not knock this. This is his gift to you. 

Now B has 86 million followers on twitter. This is one off the scariest numbers you will ever see - and gives you a pretty good idea why Trump is President. But you need to suck it up. It is what it is. 

This is America. Rubbish reigns. Good Luck!