Sunday, June 26, 2016

Mangled apricot hellbeast

Gosh - where to start.

Well it is so hot here that plants are withering and dying and birds are dropping from the sky. We are watering the garden constantly to help our new plants survive and so far there are only a couple of casualties.

Today we had our weekly pilgrimage to Rosie’s nursery to buy plants. We always go there at noon on the hottest day of the weekend and the people at the nursery sit in the shade and watch in astonishment as we trudge around in 100 degree heat and collect plants - slithering in our own perspiration. 

I am encouraged by the fact that we are almost out of room and new plants can only be planted if the old ones are removed. 

This may slow Cate down bit but she is very tenacious and may want me to build a deck over the garden so that she can put in another layer. 

We have commissioned a new fence so that we can provide more space for Georgia to hurtle about. It will also get her closer to passers by in the street so that she does not strain herself barking her head off at them. Georgia considers that anyone she can see is trespassing on her domain. 

Anyway - she is getting one of our grassy bits and Cate’s forlorn hope is that she will run about on the grass and stop tearing the garden to pieces. 

Good luck with that.

It is mulching time again and this year I got only four yards. This means that we have a reasonably light covering of mulch and are not up to our knees in it like we were last year when I cornered the mulch market in Indianapolis. 

I had a very easy time and forked it into the wheelbarrow and Johnny schlepped it up the driveway and into the garden.

Speaking off being forked - I see that the Trumpster’s wheels are finally starting to fall off as he continues his reign of stupidity and starts to plummet in the polls.

This blithering nitwit has turned stupidity into an art form and really should be stuffed and put in a glass case on rosewood plinths in the Museum of Natural History. 

The case would  be labelled ‘the dumbest man who ever lived’. And Jiminy Cricket - there is a lot of competition for this title in America.  

I loved the comments on twitter after he congratulated the Scots for leaving the EU (they voted to remain).

My favourite was someone who called him a ‘Mangled apricot hellbeast’ - although I quite liked ‘weapons-grade plum’. 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

You will be begging me to stop

Thank you it is so good to be here and just look at the crowd - and I only gave them one day’s notice that I was coming. There are a few empty seats and I just know those liars in the press are going to report this badly but you know what they are like. Sad. But when I am President they won’t be so unfair on me you can be sure about that because I am going to make so many rules about lying in the press that they will barely be able to print their names. 

And I just love this town. I have so many friends in this town you would not believe and they are all good people and they like me a lot  because of what I do here. I have businesses all over the place and they are very profitable and I make a lot of money but the people who work for me make lots of money too and they love me because I am such a good employer. 

When I am President I will be coming here a lot - you know there is one of my really good golf courses in this state and it is a very good and famous golf course and my friends say it is the best golf course they have ever seen. 

I have lots of friends here and they all play golf on my really good golf course and I will have really big golf tournaments here and get the best players - really good and famous players and they will be so good for this town. I know many really good golfers and many of them are my friends and will do anything for me and will come to this beautiful golf course to play. 

You would not believe how good it is going to be when I am President. You will want them to change the laws so that I can be President for life because I will be just so good. 

You will have so many victories about so many things that you will be begging me to stop because you will be winning so much.

It will be so good and I will make so many good laws about the press and I will make laws about a lot of other things to and I will make so many laws about good things that you will be crying out for no more laws but they will be good laws and I will do this while I am building a giant wall to keep the Mexicans out and there will be laws about them too and I will be passing laws to send them back to Mexico and I am sorry but they all have to go and they can come back legally but the ones who come back have to be good people - my people tell me there are some good Mexicans and we have to make sure these are the ones who come back because we do not want any rapists or murderers and we will have a system to work out who the good ones are because we are not having any more people here who are not legal or are rapists or criminals. 

I will just get the best people to do this and it will be easy and there will be no problems and you will really like it. I have done so many things that this will not be a problem because I will get the best people and they will do a really good job and you will be so happy. 

So we need to talk about crooked Hillary. I just don't understand why she is not in jail I mean she is so crooked and she has always been crooked and I mean since forever when she stole money from the petty cash in Arkansas right up until the time she crept into the American embassy in Benghazi and slit the ambassador’s throat. 

She is just so crooked - and so is her husband - he is even worse and has raped many thousands of women. I know this is true because I know people - I know a lot of people - you would not believe how many people I know - some of them are rich like me - not as rich as me because I am very rich - but reasonably rich. And I trust these people because they are rich people like me and we just know things that poor people do not know. 

Anyway I sent a team to Arkansas and you would not believe what they found. I will tell you when the time is right but it will be a very big bombshell which will send Bill and Hillary straight to jail its unbelievable. 

You know Bill and Hillary are quite rich - not as rich as I am - but rich - but they stole their money from the Clinton foundation - you know how much that foundation has raised - 60 billion dollars - and you know how much has been give to charity -  $127.16 and the rest has been stolen by Bill and Hillary because they both have to pay lots of money to keep Bill’s rape victims quiet. You would not believe how many women have been raped by Bill Clinton it is just unbelievable and some men too my people tell me.   

So as soon as I am President I am going to tell the Attorney General to put Bill and Hillary in jail. I will let them be together because I am a nice man and everyone loves me. They all say I am a very nice man and my employees love me. Everyone loves me and especially the black people and women and latinos - they all love and are always telling me how nice I am and I have many friends who tell me all the time how  nice I am. 

A very good friend rang today - he is quite a rich man - not as rich as me - but quite rich and he said you are a really nice man and it is no wonder everyone loves you. 

And I am sorry but Barack Obama will have to go to jail too because of this ISIS thing and the fact that he is a muslim and helps ISIS - now I don't care if he is a muslim because the muslims all love me but I don't think the President should be helping ISIS so he will just have to go to jail - probably not for long - I will have to see - but he has to go. But perhaps he will have to be deported back to Kenya and will have to come back legally and I am not sure about this because of there ISIS thing and as long as he is not a rapist. 

Friday, June 10, 2016

I became better and stronger

Domestic bliss
It astonishes me how often I get behind someone in the checkout line at the supermarket who is apparently using the credit card machine for the first time. 

This is after they have been standing there watching their groceries get bagged and finally the clerk tells them that they will have to pay. Like a startled gazelle they leap into action and then start ratting through their bags and purses to find their cards. 

Of course some of them are high or whacko so we have to make allowances. 

And I won’t even talk about the people who pay with checks. Give me a break. 

Not that I normally mind - but I usually have a dog waiting in the car. Now this is OK for the dog because the back windows are halfway open and the dog has a bowl of water. And I never take the dog on a really hot day - and never leave her alone for more than 10 minutes. 

But - being the vigilante nation that we live in - it will only take some nutter to see the dog in the car and he or she will call 911 - smash the car windows and assemble a mob to decry the brutal treatment of a dumb animal who will be sitting there wagging her tail and wondering WTF is going on. 

I will arrive back at the car to be greeted by a shrieking mob which will include the fire department, the police, the ASPCA and the local militia armed with AK47s. This may entail a night in jail - or - if I am a bit unlucky  - death by gunshot. 

And speaking of vigilantes - I have been fascinated watching events since the hoo-ha began down south about transgender people and bathrooms. 

Various idiot governors down there have decided to create a crazy solution for which there was no problem. This follows the massive nationwide epidemic of transgender people attacking and raping women in bathrooms.

Now women with short hair and wearing pants or shorts are being accosted in their own bathrooms at shopping centers and be dragged screaming into the malls by strange men who think it is now their role to police women's bathrooms to make sure that - well I am not sure what they are making sure of. 

Oh DUH I thought you was a man!

The levels of dumbness in this country astound me. I can prove this with one word. 


But at least here they do bag groceries. In Vienna they hurled the groceries to the bottom of the chute and your job was to bag them before  you became completely inundated. This required high levels of skill - exceptional dexterity and nerves of steel. 

Now if a bunch of celery snagged on the way into a bag and held you up for more than 5 seconds it was all over. You would be standing there with a mountain of groceries as the next person’s groceries started cascading down upon you.

In the early days - before I got really good at it - I messed u p a few times and had to be helped sobbing from the supermarket. But I became better and stronger. 

Monday, June 6, 2016

Who is counting

 I am really getting very bad at blogging. 

I think I am going through a stage - or I am just sick of blogging because I have been doing it for eight years. 

So we went to Cleveland which took rather longer than I thought it would. Cate decided that we would drive and not stop. Reminder to self: Do not have two cups of coffee before driving for 5 hours non-stop.

We saw many people being pulled over by the police. I am not sure how the police decide who to book for speeding - because everyone is speeding - but at the same rate. I would be fascinated to learn.

We went to the Rock and Roll museum which was just fine. There are some people who I think should not be there - such as Beyonce and Taylor Swift - not because I don’t like them - although I am not too keen on Beyonce - but because it does not seem to have much to do with Rock and Roll.

I personally think the Rock and Roll era ended when Chuck Berry retired and since then we have had many types of music - but it is not Rock and Roll. But that’s just me

We also went to the theater to see Steel Magnolias by a local group. If you can think of any reason that people would go to Cleveland to attend the theater - please let me know - because I am struggling. 

Anyway - for the fossils out there - the original film had Shirley Maclaine, Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts, Sally Field, Olympia Dukakis and Daryl Hannah and I seem to remember that it was wonderful and funny - and sad. 

This production was simply awful and both Cate and I went to sleep at various stages. It was as exciting as the Great Viennese Ant Census. But the theater was nice.

And we went to the Cleveland Art Museum which is really quite astonishing and currently has a major exhibition of Egyptian art on loan from the British Museum. 

Well I have seen it all before in the British Museum and it looks pretty much the same. But you can never get too much Egyptian art can you? Well actually you can and I have. 

The garden has been finished and the new plants are in the first stages of extinction. Some of them are brown and crispy - which is never a good sign - but we are assured by the garden people that if they are watered and nurtured they will come to life - and prosper.

Well this will be a first for any plants that I have ever had anything to do with - but I will give it a try.

Today we are going to Washington for a wedding tomorrow. This may be our 26th trip this year but who is counting.