Tuesday, January 27, 2009

After the murder she burnt all of the photographs of them together in the oven


Rozalin called in to see and feed Muffin when we were away. This is - I hasten to add - not because she is Cate’s right hand woman but because I completed a separate Cat Minding Contract with her.

She says that Muffin drools. My response to this is that Muffin has occasionally been known to dribble when she is contented and is being cuddled. The former US President was exactly the same.

It is a sign of an uncluttered mind, the knowledge that you are the most important thing on the planet - and not having a care in the world.

I have not told Muffin what Rozalin said as it may make her self-conscious and I don’t want her to have to carry a tissue with her wherever she goes.

Incidentally – Rozalin is about to go on her honeymoon so I don’t know where that leaves me with all the questions I have. Fortunately she has a Handy – which I hope will work in Thailand – so if I have any urgent questions (for example – do ducks have elbows?) – I can ask her.

Rozalin did answer the question about duck knees. They don’t have knees but they do have joints that do similar things. However, I am sure that they can’t jump so if anyone has seen a duck jump please let me know.

Cate is too busy to go the place where they sell spectacles (whatever it is called) so I had to go with a pair of frames and her prescription. The man’s English was almost as bad as my German so – as you can imagine – it was a sensational conversation. I am hanging out to see what I really ordered.

I ordered some wine racks from the UK some time ago and followed up on them. They said that the people who deliver these types of things couldn’t find our address in Wien. I went outside and checked and our building is still in the same spot it has been for the last 100 or so years so have gone back to them with this information.

Cate is preparing for her trip to Zambia and is having bouts of injections. This is a trip for the senior management and she is really looking forward to it because there are 9 blokes and one girl (Cate).

So she is happily relishing the opportunity to engage in a number of bonding sessions where she will be able to display her considerable skills at – for example – white water rafting, bungee jumping and abseiling and – possibly – being chased by ferocious animals.

When he was younger her boss was the Captain of the German Olympic Beer Drinking Team – and is still in world class form - so the nights should be fun as well.

We thought briefly about popping over to the Billabong to the Australia Day party which is held there each year. The Billabong is a pub just on the other side of Stadtpark so it is only 10 minutes walk. But we came to our senses in time and just gazed at a picture of Kevin Rudd for a few minutes to remind us of home.

Now you know that I only pass on really good stuff from the Austrian Times so I append (without further comment) some essential reading:

“The German version of I'm a Celebrity Get me out of here has been won by an OAP killer who married a man 13 years her junior - then smashed in his skull and shot him twice because of his alleged affairs.

Ingrid van Bergen, a former film star who appeared in more than 100 films, was 46 when she murdered her estate agent husband Klaus Knath at their mansion on the Starnberger See in Germany on 2 February 1977. And although convicted and jailed for seven years the former silver screen starlet of the 50's and 60's was released in 1982 two years early because of good behaviour.

She told her jungle camp colleagues she had killed her husband after knocking back a cocktail of gin and wine, and after the murder had burnt all the photographs of them together in the oven.

She has two daughters and in recent years moved to Mallorca like many retired Germans and tried unsuccessfully to run an animal sanctuary. And although a vegetarian she agreed to eat a selection of bugs and other creatures live in order to win the title of Queen of the Jungle.

She also ate a pair of kangaroo testicles to win the event and says she is now hoping to get a job as a TV presenter or as a standup comedian”.

They just don’t have stuff like that in the International Herald Tribune – or in the Financial Times to which we now subscribe.

What I don’t understand is why they were together in the oven – is this some weird German thing?

She certainly wouldn’t get a job as a TV presenter in Australia at age 78. The retirement age for women is about 35 unless they are spectacularly good looking or married the boss – but men newsreaders get to do it until they topple from their Zimmer frames during a live broadcast.

Answers for Anna:

The books I am buying from Amazon are mainly to do with the research for my novel which is about the experiences of an Austrian family in WWII. This novel will be too esoteric and boring ever to be published and is being written solely for the intellectual exercise.

Everyone has a novel inside them and in 99.99% of cases that is exactly where it should stay.

I note with some interest that Britney Spears has signed a book deal for a 3 to 5 volume set of memoirs. 3 to 5 volumes? Churchill wrote 'The History of the English Speaking Peoples' in 4 volumes.

It is reported that "It'll be a gripping read." Can't wait!

Cate’s nose has not frozen as she now wears a Weber Gas Powered Nose Warmer.

The Kitten Acquisition Program is in full swing and is being hampered only by the absence of kittens due to the time of the year.

Yes - We love and miss you all dreadfully and spend most of our time snuffling quietly into glasses of Gruner Veltliner while we think about you.

Yes Heath Ledger will win an Oscar. There is nothing the Academy likes more than a dead actor. (These are the best kind – Academy members no longer have to compete with them for jobs).

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