Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The reason Fiaker horses go crazy

Apparently the reason so many Fiaker horses have gone crazy lately is that they have installed TV in the stables near the Prater and some of the horses have been watching Fox. The monologue for the horses waiting near the Hofburg could go along the following lines:
I have my head in a bag and I am making a fair bit of noise crunching my oats but I can hear you starting that a-snorting and a-snuffling and a-shuffling your hooves thing that you do just before you do that crazy bat shit thing of galloping off through the Hofburg at full pelt - scattering tourists and frightening the shit out of everybody – me included.
Well now you listen to me – all that stuff they are telling you on Fox about President Obama not having a Birth Certificate is just plain nonsense. He has a Certificate of Live Birth which he has released and which the Chief Medical Officer in Hawaii has testified  is the real deal. That should be good enough for a Tea Party member let alone a horse in Vienna.
And that Donald Trump – he does not really believe that the President was not born in the USA - he is just pulling everyone’s chain. And he is not really going to run for President – look when he is making the final announcement – on the final night of ‘The Apprentice’. He does this stuff every four years.
And those Fox people know that their viewers are not going to vote. The few that can read and write and that get out of the house on election day are never going to get past the nearest Cinnabon.
They are just trying to juice you up. I bet there is a man in the crowd now just waiting for you to do your mad rolling eye crazy galloping horsey thing so he can put it on YouTube.
So you just stop that stuff. The last time you did this we finished up in Michaelerplatz a-frothing and a-foaming and covered in our own saliva and shit and the police were called and it took hours to settle us down and bloody Helmut cursed for hours and mumbled for days.
If we stand here quietly we will end up with two more circuits of Vienna and a quiet night in.
With luck I might get a pat on the nose,  a few cubes of sugar and an apple. I can assure you that being covered in your own saliva and shit guarantees that no one is going to give us a pat on the nose or an apple.
Put your silly horsey head in your bag and get on with it – and no you are not watching Glenn Beck tonight. That man is too crazy even to do a crazy horsey run through the Hofburg – with or without Fiaker.
The fine pair of horses above is in Prague.


  1. There's no reason in the world—not even in the middle of the Indian Ocean—why you shouldn't be able to carry on blogging, providing your readers with Viennese horse talk, through your delightful little MacBook Air. Once you get out of the diving boat, and return to your humble lodgings (or 5-star cabin), you'll surely find a wifi hotspot in the vicinity. So, before you fall asleep in front of your Martini, just excuse yourself from your web-footed throng and say: My Viennese blog calls me! They'll think you were maybe slightly brain-damaged during the depressurization phase… but we land-lubbers will be overjoyed to receive your live words of wet wisdom.

  2. Good thing you mentioned that you photographed those horses in Prague. I was getting a little worried when I spotted those feathers. Feathers?????

  3. William: I am sure you are right. Indeed they say that there is Internet on the boat. Esperons!

    Merisi: On reflection Merisi I think it is actually Krakow!

  4. First of all, congratulations on being today's blog of note. I may not agree with you, but I can appreciate the accomplishment. I am one of those Fox viewers and I just wanted to let you know that Bill O'Reilly AGREES with you that President Obama was born in the USA. He has actually put a lot of work into gathering proof and produced that proof during the elections. I do not live near, nor have ever seen a Cinnabon, but if I do on the way to the elections I'll let you know. I may not like your opinion or generalizations of a whole group of people, but it's your right to have that opinion and voice it. Have a great day and again, congratulations on your blogging accomplishment!

  5. I think you are a "blog of note" because this is hilarious. Anyone who can have an entire conversation between two horses about Fox news and running all crazy horsey like has my vote! If you throw in a Cinnabon I'll vote twice! Just kidding, I hate Cinnabon, Auntie Anne's is the way to go. ;)


  6. It was really nice to read your post because it was funny and because I dislike Fox very much.

  7. Stumbled on this and I wanted to thank you for the laugh! Brilliant

  8. I have to wonder why an Australian living in Vienna gives a crap about us stressed-out Americans??? Most of us hate Fox news, and really, how does this affect you at all??? I think you foreigners allow yourselves to be too pissed off at the USA as a passtime, but most all countries have their hands out when they want money or aid or military assistance.
    Which money the American "Fox" watchers have to somehow produce for you all, despite their own financial hardships and lost jobs and foreclosed homes.

    That said, I read your profile, and we like several of the same books; Grapes of Wrath, Cannery Row (my #1- I lived and even worked on Cannery Row for years) Keroaks On the Road (I ran the same course back and forth between east coast, NJ and NY, to San Fran and Monterey/Big Sur). You're the first person I've seen who read Slaughterhouse 5...not a book you ever forget. Everyone loves the Great Gatsby, and if you don't, you're a maladjusted turd-4-brains.

    I haven't read Passage to India yet, but I have another Forster book which includes Howards End and two others.

    SO THERE!!!

  9. I'm sorry, I think I've misplaced my sense of humor. Has anyone seen it? :P

  10. Oh my, for followers you have gained generalization haters and generalizers -- none of whom were present the day funny bones were passed out. I have it on great authority that everybody in America loves Fox and nobody believes that Obama is actually a citizen. Oh yeah, and most of us (but not ALL) know that horses can't really talk.