Apparently the reason so many Fiaker horses have gone crazy lately is that they have installed TV in the stables near the Prater and some of the horses have been watching Fox. The monologue for the horses waiting near the Hofburg could go along the following lines:
I have my head in a bag and I am making a fair bit of noise crunching my oats but I can hear you starting that a-snorting and a-snuffling and a-shuffling your hooves thing that you do just before you do that crazy bat shit thing of galloping off through the Hofburg at full pelt - scattering tourists and frightening the shit out of everybody – me included.
Well now you listen to me – all that stuff they are telling you on Fox about President Obama not having a Birth Certificate is just plain nonsense. He has a Certificate of Live Birth which he has released and which the Chief Medical Officer in Hawaii has testified is the real deal. That should be good enough for a Tea Party member let alone a horse in Vienna.
And that Donald Trump – he does not really believe that the President was not born in the USA - he is just pulling everyone’s chain. And he is not really going to run for President – look when he is making the final announcement – on the final night of ‘The Apprentice’. He does this stuff every four years.
And those Fox people know that their viewers are not going to vote. The few that can read and write and that get out of the house on election day are never going to get past the nearest Cinnabon.
They are just trying to juice you up. I bet there is a man in the crowd now just waiting for you to do your mad rolling eye crazy galloping horsey thing so he can put it on YouTube.
So you just stop that stuff. The last time you did this we finished up in Michaelerplatz a-frothing and a-foaming and covered in our own saliva and shit and the police were called and it took hours to settle us down and bloody Helmut cursed for hours and mumbled for days.
If we stand here quietly we will end up with two more circuits of Vienna and a quiet night in.
With luck I might get a pat on the nose, a few cubes of sugar and an apple. I can assure you that being covered in your own saliva and shit guarantees that no one is going to give us a pat on the nose or an apple.
Put your silly horsey head in your bag and get on with it – and no you are not watching Glenn Beck tonight. That man is too crazy even to do a crazy horsey run through the Hofburg – with or without Fiaker.
The fine pair of horses above is in Prague.