Back in the wide brown land

Well of course to be able to blog you have to get onto the internet and I had forgotten that in this wide brown land - internet access is not at all universal and in fact vanishes as soon as you leave towns and cities.

But  - as we stayed this time in the very same house that we stayed in last year I should have remembered that it has no connection to the outside world.

Not that it is far from anywhere – indeed it is only about 3 kilometres from Bellingen – which by Australian standards is quite a large town – and which itself is only about 30 kilometres from Coffs Harbour - which is actually an Australian ‘city’.

But – by Australian standards – we may as well have been on the moon – and could not even get mobile (cell) telephone reception unless we went to the ‘communications room’ which was the patch of garden down by the garden shed – overlooking the creek in the distance. (The photo is of Cate in the Comms Room).

However – I am getting ahead of myself – and should start at the beginning.

It never ceases to amaze me that however many times I get caught – I never learn. The seat allocation was done for us by the people who did the booking and I did not check it.

Turns out it was the bulkhead seats behind the toilets – with the aisle seat the one that is half way into the aisle. It is designed this way so that everyone who goes to the toilet can bump into you on the way there and the way back.

Now bulkhead seats are great if you are in road kill class - as I usually am - but on the very rare occasion that I am in business class – I hate it. You have no storage space and you have those shitty fold out screens.

Things went from worse to worser. Cate’s seat did not work – and as the only reason we were flying Emirates was to get flat beds this was not good.

Cate’s cold stare prompted the flight attendant to remember from her training that the seat could be possibly manually adjusted to the flattish position.

This fairly lackluster response prompted Cate to move into her Death Stare mode – known throughout the airline industry – which can stun cabin attendants at a range of 50 metres.

This prompted a flurry of activity which had two cabin attendants sweating, grunting and heaving for 10 minutes to get the seat into a sort of flattish position.

Cate watched this performance much as a python would watch a mouse that it was contemplating eating for dinner.

There was much apologising and grovelling and offering of wine – which much to my surprise I accepted with some alacrity as I never ever drink on planes - but I was somewhat stressed by the entire incident and Cate’s Death Stare always has some collateral effects on me.

But – as things go – they went. The bed was not – as we expected it to be – flat. OK let’s be honest – we never expected it to be flat – but we were hoping for flat-ish.

It was sort of S shaped and rather short. Once again I should have checked the website that tells you about these sort of things but honestly my days are so full that it slipped my mind. Actually – that is not quite true – it is just that I am a fool.

So Cate scrunched up like a pretzel with her feet hanging over the end of her seat – next to the toilet door. She in fact took it rather well and insisted that I sit next to the window.

The male flight attendant who – with the female flight attendant – wrangled the seat into a semi-flat position – told Cate that he was going to write a long report about the problem.

I am not sure that was necessary ‘8J FUBAR’ should do the trick. I am sure they would not use language like that. Just jargon – like 8JF.

The female flight attendant was most attentive and kept bringing me wine. At one stage I proposed to her but she said she could not accept because it was obvious that I was married and that Cate would simply kill us both with a single withering  glance if she found out about our relationship.

We were in the same seats – on a different plane - on the next leg from Dubai to Sydney – which was 15 hours – but once again Cate let me have the window seat and I made a fine nest. This time the beds were in fact really flat so we slept most of the time.

Cate was able to reach the toilet door with her left foot so could kick it shut if people did not close it properly.

My video screen was on the bulkhead wall about three metres away so it was like being at the drive-in – although it was too far away for me to actually watch anything.

Cate does this sort of thing every week but for me it is quite exciting.

Next – back in the Australian bush. We saw Kookaburras.