Thursday, May 19, 2011

I like to drink tea with her and watch her iron

Over the last year or so I thought that Muffin’s advancing senility might have plateaued on occasions - but it marches on inexorably. We can harness it’s advancing forces by – for example – keeping the heated floor in the guest bathroom on all the time so that she stays in there on the woolly bathmat in a comatose state for long periods of time - sleeping soundly.

I sneak in there and watch her sleeping peacefully – praying (see I do pray but not to the same Gods as everyone else who prays – I pray to the Fuckup Fairy) that she will pass away silently with one last little cat sigh and vanish to the same place as all dead cats. I think it is the same place as dead people but cannot be sure. I do not pretend to know everything like some people. There could well be a Cat God.

But for the last few days we had my Niece Rebecca and her partner Rachel stay with us and Muffin had to be evicted. My Niece’s partner is a woman and this devastated Mrs. Moneypenny who is our occasional and rather reluctant cleaner.

Mrs. Moneypenny comes from Latvia and works for an American woman as a child minder. She only does the one cleaning job – for me – I am not sure how this happened – but she does not really have time to do this as her life is dreadfully complicated and we have endless and complicated discussions about her life, her large family in Latvia and her husband as I help her sort through the very many issues she faces on a daily basis.

Her time here is chaotic as we drink tea and discuss her life. She fields important phone calls from her friends, checks her emails, posts to her Facebook account - and occasionally tosses a damp mop around the lounge room to rearrange the dust.

But she is a devout Christian and her Facebook page is splattered with Christianity. So when I mentioned that the guest room needed cleaning for my Niece and her girl partner she was most unimpressed. When I threw in that my Niece was of the Jewish faith she practically needed resuscitation.

So we had to sit down with a cup of Stockholm Blend Tea - which we import from Australia and work through the issues.

She agreed with me that God made everyone but she would not agree that God made gay people. She said that they chose to be gay. I argued that this could not be so because if God made them how could they choose for themselves. He was responsible for absolutely everything including the birds and the bees and the woods and the streams – he MUST have made gay people.

I lost that argument very badly and need to revisit the points that I made. I could never have imagined being outpointed by a Latvian child minder and occasional cleaner but there you are. She agreed that God wants us to love and accept gay people but that she could not agree with their lifestyle.

You will note that I made no effort to dissuade her from her Christian viewpoint – nor would I ever attempt to do so. Indeed – when she has low points – as when she gives me the weekly bulletin about her husband not loving her – I reassure her that God loves her.

She has been taught about God from birth. Her life revolves around her faith and her Church. All her friends are Christian. What would be the point of a curmudgeon like me trying to confuse her about anything at all.

Besides. She is very young. She is blonde. She is thin. She is tall. She is in fact a gold-plated Hottie.

There may be an occasion when Cate totally loses her senses and leaves me for another man – say her boss Huggy Bear – and I need to take someone home to Australia with me. My ribs are still giving me a lot of trouble and I will need a strong young woman to carry things – fetch water – make tea - stuff like that. Those Latvian women are sturdy!

Sure she can’t clean for nuts but what the hell. I like to drink tea with her and watch her iron.

But my blog readers are made of sterner stuff. You need to be tough and trudge through the occasional rant about religion. I am really quite harmless.

Where was I? Oh yes – Muffin.

When she is not sleeping Muffin prowls the house either meowing or yowling. Meowing is better. The yowling is banshee like. Not that I have heard a banshee but I have a vivid imagination.

It is worse when she finds a stray sock. It sounds like an air raid siren as she drags this fecking sock around the house wailing pitifully. It can go for some time and sounds like Dominique Strauss-Kahn having his room made up.

She is no longer allowed in the bedroom at night because she does not sleep at night. At night she walks. Endlessly. Up and down and around and across the bed. Imagine a single Morris Dancer on speed.

She is perfectly well. She had a full and very expensive medical examination a few weeks ago. It is just that she is nearly 19 years old and is – well – ancient in cat terms - and a bit gaga.

There is nothing that can be done. Life must take its course – for every living creature.

This is what I will be like in a few years time and then Cate will lock me out of the bedroom and I will have to sleep on the bathmat in the guest bathroom. I rather suspect I will be sharing it with Muffin.


  1. Reading your blog never fails to get a giggle or two! :) Love it! I read this to my husband who is now looking for a young tall blond Latvian woman to drink tea, discuss religion and move some dust around. In the most innocent and common sense way he could muster he informed me that having someone like that around the house would really help me out. She could even mind the children every now and then. And he could watch her iron. Surprisingly, I am not opposed to this. ;)

  2. I always find it interesting to note that Christians profess loving everyone and not judging people for how they live, etc., but when it comes down to it they oppose others' lifestyles so completely. Ironic.

  3. Cheer: Well he can't have Mrs Moneypenny!!

    Anna W: That is the way they are taught.

  4. Enjoyed! I have a houserearranger too which inspires me to do my own laundry and kitchen better. She is a wonderful painter and turned into a great part time employee downtown at our business, but sadly she is moving away in several weeks. My dog Cooper loves her immensely, for she plays very rough with him. I can't wait to hear Cate's reaction to this blog post.

  5. I have a cat which is 17 years old and tomorrow I have to take him to the vet and have him put down ( what a week)...

    My god arguemnet. god made everything? yes? Therefore he made good and evil? yes? Because nothing exists before god. So he created satan? yes? satan had to fall somewhere and if there was nothing before god then god created "somehere"

    therefore god is good and evil becasue without him there is nothing. (so goes the arguement.

    god knows everything beforehand? yes? because he is god. therefore he knew the outcome of the cross, he knew beforehand that Judas would betray him, so therfore god allows bad things to happen. He knows that a poor gay will be gay before he is even born? or that someone will have their legs blown off by a bomb?, or that a tsunami would happen? etc etc etc.

    So, he would know that cristians would not tolerate a gay person because they would argue free choice.. but if we really had free choice then god would not know what choice we would make...and then if thats the case he cannot be god because he does not know everything.
    Now ... who created hell? if satan created hell, then he must be a god because god created everytthing.......

    lol! I think I will go bird watching instead....


  6. I am a Christian. I would clean for your gay guests. I will pray for Mrs. Moneypenny as she seems confused. Would not sleep with any cat and I only make tea for Big Daddy when he is sick, maybe once a year.

  7. Rachael here aka deputy niece! We have a beautiful husband and wife team that come on Wednesdays named Yoyo and Andy. They polish the odd floorboard but mopping is difficult with our 11 month old puppy who loves Yoyo more than words. Yoyo wears a cross around her neck and is Roman Catholic. They cannot house a dog in their shared accommodation, but Yoyo tells me she wishes everyday for one. In fact not that long ago Andy bought her one, but the co op of people they live with could not bare it and so they had to give it back. Yoyo relays the story to me with tears in her eyes. Anyway, Rebecca complains every now and then that the house is unchanged after their visit and that she really wishes they would iron.. and I mumble something about who else would put up with Rupert, while secretly refusing to give up the little notes Yoyo leaves me about how much she loves cuddling Rupert and how happy he makes her. Yoyo is a graceful woman - she knows we are a same sex couple - it seems of little care to her.. All she knows is that when she turns up at our house on Wednesdays - she is welcomed into a home bubbling with love and a little puppy ready to lick snuggle lick chase lick snuggle sniff! The world is as it should be.

  8. esbboston: Cate is very understanding about Mrs Moneypenny. She would that I had an old and dumpy cleaner but knows that I would never stray.

    simon: good luck with your arguments. bird watching will be much more productive.

    fmcgmcclic: God will bless you for your love and kindness. I do not think prayer will help M<rs Moneypenny - I will give her more tea.

    Lani: Love of a dog is more important than a clean house.

  9. ahhh, you've got a cute badger as part of your header! you've been busy rearranging your blog. looks good. i can never work out how to change anything to how i want it!

  10. Badger- you are spot on mate.....

  11. angiv: I am not clever enough to do that: See the bottom of my blog. SK Waller did it.

    simon: If I bring Mrs Moneypenny to Australia you can borrow her for ironing purposes only.

  12. Forget the Latvian, dear. If Cate ever leaves you for Huggy Bear, just let me know. I'll get my Australian visa and you'll have the benefit of someone who loves cats and gay people just the way they are (but who, sadly, does not iron).