Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Free of the hairy little fecker at last

I have finally consigned the fecking Reindeer rug to the basement. You will remember I am sure that we bought it from Lapland and it took pride of place in the lounge room in winter but it turned out be a vicious, spiteful bastard of a rug and started to molt something terrible.

And I don’t just mean molt – it was firing tufts of hairs into the air like you see those plants doing on the nature shows. I think it watched too much National Geographic while it was lying on the floor in front of the TV.

It was lying there scheming and anytime something went near it there would be a spurt of reindeer hair and the person or animal – mainly cats of course – would be covered and would scatter hair all over the place. Did it think that it was going to spread itself over the apartment and grow little Reindeer rugs everywhere?

Of course Sissi and Monika would then also lie on the rug to collect more hair and take it into the far flung reaches of the apartment and I mean all over the apartment. The hairs were absolutely everywhere. In our clothes, all our drawers, shoes, socks, toothbrush mugs, saucepans, microwave, fridge, oven, letterbox. I found some in the fruit section in Spar and on the seat of a tram I caught to Simmering.

First I moved it to the guest bedroom and this had almost no effect because these Reindeer hairs were the Vasco da Gamas of the dead animal kingdom and migrated all over the house even through locked doors. It was like snow. I had to shake the fecking stuff out of my underpants in the morning before I could put them on. Believe me when I tell you that you do not want to wear underpants with Reindeer hair in them.

So yesterday I waited till it was asleep and took it unawares. I pounced on it. It struggled like a demon - and rolled it up. Secured it with gaffer tape – wrapped it in two layers of plastic and then another two rounds of gaffer tape. Let the little fecker get out of that one!

I put it in a large plastic box in the basement. I can hear it struggling when I go down there but the gaffer tape I use is as strong as steel.

We are probably going to Iceland for Christmas this year and I think we will take it with us and let it go. It would be nice to see it bound off into the distance – free again – scattering great clouds of hair as it goes.

We would have to be careful as we free it as it could well turn on us and cause dreadful injuries. I will stand by with a lawn mower just in case.

I really hope as it races off someone brings it down with hunting rifle. I would like a picture of it. Or I could take it home as a trophy.



  1. I have a flokati rug like that - I can still hear goats bleating from the closet. You have a wonderful black sense of humor - love it!

  2. This is hilarious. Thanks for brightening my day.

  3. Vasco da Gamas! Not sure why -- perhaps the obscurity of the reference -- at least for me! -- but that just really tickled me.

    Set it free. Let the feckin' rug free.



  4. Does Vienna have homeless people?
    They might like a nice reindeer fur cape.
    You could put some clear sticky tape over it to hold in the tufts.
    (or have you been jibbed - you've seen the rat fur hat on Seinfeld?)

  5. heehee. love reading your blog badger!

  6. I think the little feckers are almost extinct so be wouldn't want to get fined for harming it. ;)

    Hilarious! :)) Thanks for the laugh!

  7. I have to think that gaffer tape is similar to what we in the US call duct or duck tape. Depends on your neighborhood what you call it.

    Remind me tell you about my friend who stripped her husband down to his underpanties and duct taped him up and left him on the front porch for the police.

  8. Studio at the farm: Thank you so much

    Meg: My pleasure

    Pearl: It will go free I assure you

    freefalling: I have a rat fur hat - but it does not molt

    angiv: thanks my girl

    Mrs Woog: Thanks Mrs W

    Cheers; No worries; There are zillions in Lapland

    fmcgmcclic: the very same! I shall indeed remind you about that