Help Boost Austrian Exports

Now sure the Austrian economy is traveling quite nicely but we can always use a boost and what better way than to plug into the insecurities of some of our flakier cousins across the Atlantic to sell more of some of our famous exports.

No I do not mean the Wiener Schnitzel. I mean the Glock! What a weapon. Austrian manufactured - NATO approved! Nothing better at close quarters.

(I mention that the Knödel is a certain killer in hand-to-hand combat and is used by the Austrian Special Forces).

Now I have heard that sales of Glocks have rocketed since that unfortunate incident a few weeks go but clearly not nearly enough people have them.

Well – you can’t just let the loonies have guns. Everyone must have a gun and must carry it everywhere. In a holster – like in the westerns. No discrimination. Lock and Loaded. Ready to Go. Don’t step on ME.

My view is that if everyone has a gun and is carrying - then the number of casualties must surely diminish….over time. It stands to reason that at the sound of the first gun shot - if everyone immediately shoots towards the sound of that gunshot - then that national rate of attrition overall must drop – after some sorting out issues.

Now sure the casualty rate amongst people whose cars backfire - or who have bad coughs -  will be immense and there will be lots of false alarms and teething problems.

And just like in the old west - the hot tempered and feeble minded will take care of themselves on a sort of permanent basis.

It may be necessary to ban fireworks on Independence Day and similar occasions - or increase the duty staff in casualty sections and morgues.

Anyway I am about to start practicing for my next trip to the USA – for a wedding in September in Washington. I have an egg timer and will be setting this and walking in public places and shopping centers and when the bell tings I will be diving under tables and into doorways or grabbing little old ladies with shopping trollies to use as shields. 

I will be practicing with a plastic Glock on the basis that I can’t get a real one until I get to the USA and can satisfy the residential requirements by being there for 8 hours – or buying the necessary papers from a drunk for a quart of Bourbon.

Although papers are not really necessary. I read about a ‘gun show’ in Arizona where you can buy a gun even if you tell the seller that you cannot get a license to have one. 

I have been thinking about getting one of those vests that actors use that simulate being hit by multiple gun shots. You know - when the gun shots sound the actor falls  and the vest shoots out puffs of smoke and spurts of red stuff like tomato ketchup. 


I would do this on the basis that – from my careful observation – lunatic gunmen are too busy killing people standing up to worry about the ones who go down spurting blood.

Perhaps that is that answer. Everyone wears one of these vests. At the sound of the first gunshot everyone pulls the cord, pops their vests and falls to the ground spurting tomato ketchup. 

At the same time they all pull their Glocks and fire them at the only person left standing – the mad bastard gunman.

This sucker will be either dead from gunshot wounds or be so blinded by tomato ketchup that he cannot see a damn thing.