I really do try

I think we stayed here once. 

Glen reminded me a week or so ago of the occasions when choices of travel or accommodation do not meet with the expectations of spouses. I regret that in my case this is most travel and most occasions on which I am solely responsible. I have had some memorable failures – but not for lack of effort on my part and I really do try.

I scour the Internet and sites like tripadvisor looking for exactly the right place at exactly the right price.

An impossible task. 

I look at the pictures and I read the reviews. I look at the pictures carefully – enlarging them where possible to see if there are rats scurrying into corners or spiders nesting in corners.

I take all reasonable precautions - but I often choose badly because I am looking for value for money. Quality and little money are mutually exclusive.

Air travel is a bit easier because there are usually very few options and they are all usually awful.

So the outcomes are often unfortunate and lead to some hurtful remarks being made by my spouse.

They usually start with the plane.

I haven’t heard of this airline before dear – is it registered in Panama?

I need to go to the bathroom now – it sure smells nice - did you bring the rubber gloves and the plunger?

Did you choose these seats darling - or did you perhaps insult the person at check-in rather badly?

Or on the way to the hotel from the airport.

Do you think this area was recently carpet bombed or has it just not been cleaned up from the last war?

And in the hotel

Oh look they got the Foyer done by Al Qaeda

Nice carpet. Do you think they still execute people here or has it not been cleaned since – and I’m guessing here – 1943.

And the room:

Goodness we appear to have interrupted them in the middle of the demolition. Pop outside and see if they are still in the corridor dear – we could get them to move the wheelbarrows so that we can get into the bed- it is a bed is it not?  It looks more like a crushed crumpet with crunchy yellow edges – no it must be the bed – I can see the remains of a Doona.

Very Avant-garde. Exposed wiring and plumbing. It reminds me a bit of the Pompidou centre - but of course just a teensy bit smaller.

You get the rats out of the bath darling and I will see if anyone has died on the other side of the mattress as well.

I wonder if anyone has committed suicide in here.  It looks like the perfect spot – of course the window is too small to squeeze out of but I suppose they could have just let the rats gnaw them to death.

Ah now lets see - there must be a light switch somewhere – unless it used to be a cell and the light stayed on all night – yes that must be it - I can still see the initials carved on the walls – perhaps you could reach up and remove the light globe dear – no it won’t be too hot it's only about 2 watts – but don’t use the chair - it seems to have only three legs.

Undaunted I struggle on. I have recently booked hotels in Lapland, Jerusalem, London and Male. Can’t wait.