Thursday, April 29, 2010

Here we go again

Thank the Lord! They have finally found Noah’s Ark.

Well…they are 99.9% sure it is Noah’s Ark. Ah - but my experience has been that that missing 0.1% is the fly in the ointment every time – especially when those pesky archaeologists get involved and cast a more critical eye over the wonderful finds of the Evangelical Christian filmmakers - who are always on the scene first.

But let’s not be churlish. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. They say that there are shelves and straw (straw?) and I am really hanging out to see where the beetles were. As I have mentioned previously (I have a beetle fetish) there are more than 350,000 species of beetle and it must have been a devil of a job to collect a pair of each and bed them down in the ark - and keep the little blighters together - and in pairs - for 40 days.

No doubt Noah did beetle-sexing 101 at college while he was also doing carpentry to work out how to build a wooden boat the size of Staten Island. But I am being flippant simply because this nonsense makes me want to vomit.

And – just what we needed. British scientist Stephen Hawking has said that ‘Aliens may exist but mankind should avoid contact with them as the consequences could be devastating. If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans," the astrophysicist said in a new television series, according to British media reports. On the probability of alien life existing, he says: "To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational.”

Oh Excellent! That’s just fabulous! Thank you very bloody much Stephen.

Not that we don’t have enough trouble with Sarah Palin and Arizona and Glenn Beck and the Tea Party and the fucking Republican Party you have to go and wake up all the bloody UFO and Alien ratbags who will emerge blinking into the sunlight scratching their fat hairy asses and shouting ‘ We told you – there are aliens – Stephen Hawking says so’.

Brilliant. More clattering of empty heads and flapping jaws across the airwaves adding to the cacophony of vacuous honking shouting nonsense that now passes for information and debate in America.

I see vistas of new sightings on YouTube, whirling silvers disks whizzing across the sky. Area 51 will be festooned with tents full of stark raving loonies hunting for alien husks. There will be prayer meetings asking for deliverance from the alien hordes (and for money).

The steaming nitwit who runs The Rapture site will sharpen his keyboard and think of another bilious colour he can add to a site that you cannot look at unless you have taken Travacalm.

John McCain will tell us that any Aliens found in Arizona will damn well better have ID papers or they will end up in the slammer.

It’s all too much....I can't go on...until next week.


  1. I see you completely ignored my plea. Fine then.

    You'll never stem the tide of stupidity by railing against it. That just gets them more excited.

  2. The Swedish will claim Noah's Billy shelves, I'm sure!

  3. I can't help but think that maybe Steven's not feeling well, or that someone's holding out on his meds. He's usually a voice of reason, but this baffles me. Are we POSITIVE he said this, or is it Snopes material?

    BTW, do you need sugar cubes?

  4. Sorry Kristin - I couldn't help myself.

    Yes thanks Steph - I have cubes - amd waiting for a suitable occasion to crack the bottle!

  5. A writing deadline works for me!

  6. But Badger, surely you know that a pair of kangaroos swam all the way from Australia to the middle east (presumably with a cache of food) to be saved from the flood, and then swam all the way back again. A pair of every darned species of 'em. You would think it would have been more efficient to stay put and tread water over Australia until the flood subsided, wouldn't you?

  7. Wrong, Maalie. Precious Aboriginal archives conserved at the Dreamtime Museum in Alice Springs prove clearly that the tip of Uluru in Australia—God's favorite country—remained above the level of the Great Flood. Besides, it appears that an archaic group of volunteer lifesavers was in constant action, throughout the catastrophe (our Flying Doctors had not yet come into existence), to bring in stranded marsupials.

  8. Please Please move to the US. Fake an American birth certificate (don't know how? ask OBAMA, he knows how to do it. My inlaws told me so. Must be true) and run for office... Presidential.
    I am making the t-shirts.
    DON'T let me down.

  9. I hope it is not aliens that kept you from publishing Monday's post!
    (Not a complaint, it's just so that I miss reading your musings.)

    Btw, I screamed with happiness when I heard the rain come down hard last night. I hope the humidity keeps those alien pollens off my chest! And yours too, of course. :-)

  10. I thought the Kangaroos trod water - and that is why they have such strong back legs.

    Katie - the problem with me being Presidnet is that I would have to talk to Republicans. EEeeww!

    I didn't scream with happiness - more of a sigh.

  11. For more on the same theme, check this out...