Friday, June 10, 2011

Today I was humiliated

Many years ago we bought an Italian designed kitchen implement rack designed to dangle 8 new fangled kitchen implements. Each a work of art. It may have been Alessi. There were spaghetti wranglers,  fish basters, cheese gritters, noodle blasters and all sorts of things and we have probably never used them for what they were supposed to be used for  but the implements in general have been very useful and have been adapted for a wide range of purposes – including paint stirring.

The implement holder on the other hand was completely useless. It was designed so that each implement would stay put only if it was delicately balanced on the end of the hook – and this took some doing and required the dexterity of a brain surgeon. The sneeze of a mouse would dislodge it.

I have attached a photo showing what I am talking about. Except this rack has proper hooks. Not itty bitty shitty hooks like my Italian designed piece of crap.

One tremble brought the whole lot crashing down in a cacophony of jangling Italian metal.
My piece of crap was a triumph of design over functionality. On many occasions I wanted to toss this whole lot of Italian metal to the shithouse and I finally did my lolly on Wednesday after the latest cacophony  and said right I have had enough of you I am going to fix you once and for all. So I dismantled the assembly and tried to fix the angles of the hooks but the little blighters are made out of stainless steel and I could not budge them a millimeter.

Typical – you make a piece of shit – and you make it so it will last for 2,000,000 years.

But in the process of bending under the kitchen cupboards to unscrew the assembly I twisted my back and pulled a muscle and damn near crippled myself. See I have reached that age where it does not take much to throw things out of kilter and I did that in spades.  Where is that bloody masseuse?

So on Friday it was time to end the misery of the dying plants on the Terrace and I garroted them before dawn while they were sleeping. I am not a cruel man and do not like to see things suffer.

I went to Dehner and collared a sales assistant and told him to take me to his toughest plants. He grabbed a whip and a chair and took me to a cage out the back and I now have two mothers that are guaranteed to survive the harshest Austrian summers and winters - although I do have to wrap their roots up in winter – but I can do that. Hell they can sleep in the bedroom with us if that is what I it takes.

But the worst part of the whole thing was that I had to get some bags of potting mix and you know what these things are like. They are big bags – like 60 liters – and they are floppy and difficult to move because they sag -  I imagine it is like moving a dead body – or even a live comatose body.

And I still have trouble with my 5 broken ribs and now I have this problem with the pulled muscles in my back so I am struggling with this sack of potting mix trying not to damage anything and trying  to put it on my trolley and this young guy – like 50 years old – bounds up and says – here let me help you and scoops it up and  dumps it on my trolley and says is there anything else I can do for you.

And I say ‘Nein – Danke’

I am like a little old man because I was stupid when I went dog sledding with a camera in Lapland and I am still suffering 6 months later. But I am getting better. In another few months I will be fine. I am not letting any more 50 year old men humiliate me.


  1. I feel your pain Badger. Literally I guess because I just pulled some back muscles 'larfing' at the vision you present of the struggle with trolley and bags although be assured, I do empathise. I'm still trying to work out how I cricked my neck yesterday. Probably snapping my head around to catch sight of the old bird in the mirror who's stalking me.

  2. Oh deary me... I SAID DEARY ME - WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA? :-)

  3. I congratulate you on your efforts at plants, so noble in your current condition of pain, so now I think you have misjudged yourself in an earlier blog by calling yourself a "mass murderer" of plants, I would go with the milder form "involuntary manlaughter" after examining your intent.

  4. Oh esbboston, I like your term - involuntary manlaughter. The Badger certainly knows how to get me chuckling when reading almost every blog he writes!

    I've been doing physio weekly then fortnightly since 7 April when I tried to walk on my left foot when it was sound asleep - it had spent too long under the computer desk :-( Physio has cleared me but still special exercises to do for a month or more to come.

    Good luck with the ribs, Badger. If God had taken a few more you probably would've only broken one or two!

  5. That is the one good thing about China, you can get a massage anywhere as long as you are not naked. You cannot walk 10 feet without a massage opportunity. And they will clean your ears on the street corner while they clip your toenails. And the plant guy on the corner will carry your plants to your place. And the dirt guy will carry the dirt. Of course the plants will die but for less than a buck do you really care?

  6. An ideal answer to your horticultural aspirations: cactuses (or cacti, as we were told to say in our Latin classes). Besides, if you strip off and lie down on them with your back in contact with the thorns, and then move your body back and forth in ecstasy, in a do-it-yourself fashion, you can save the fees of a Thai masseuse.

  7. The sky so blue, a blackbird singing, perfume of roses wafting through the open window. A perfect moment to come visit your blog for a reminder of how tough life can be and thank the gods that I don't have to wreck my health shlepping bags of compost and the like.

    William's right, you ought to get some cacti. Perfect for a Viennese rooftop terrace. Or oleander bushes, they survive in the middle of the Italian Autostradas, all the way down to Sicily!

  8. Annie: I was thinking about this a little while later and thought that the words 'Involuntary Plant Slaughter' would be more fitting. I am sure the jail time, even in Austria, is hopefully less for that offense versus I-Man-S.

    William Skyvington: I thought of offering the idea of cacti as a robust plant that could probably handle Badger and his Terror-ain, but then I thought, "wow, what if he kills a cactus? That just might send him over the edge into deep despair."

    HAH! - my word verification for posting this comment was going to be 'scroogr'

  9. Easiest plant to take care of? FAKE! They are impossible to kill, don't need watering and don't attract pesky critters like bees and mosquitos. Doesn't get any better than that!

  10. I believe a Medal of Honour is in order ! You can hang THAT on your Italian Hooks LoL :-)

    I'll get my people to call HRH people, who will call your people ! I do hope you are able to take the call without any further yourself or the plants !

  11. Sandy: I have an old bloke stalking me.

    Glen: You'll have to speak up dear!

    esbboston: I shall never surrender.

    Annie: You did what?

    William: I am not sure I could convince Cate that Cactus goes with Vienna.

    Merisi: You all want me to take the easy way out!

    Cheers: You too!

    Shirlee: It's all done now. Until next Spring.

    fmcgmcclic:Yeh that's what I need - dirt carrying guys.