Monday, January 17, 2011

I am sort of re-emerging

I am sort of re-emerging back into the world. It will apparently take a bit longer to heal than I thought it would. In fact I just do not know how it works. How do bones knit when I keep moving them about? I am taking calcium tables. I am sure this will make no difference whatsoever. My X-rays are on the way from Finland. I will probably have more soon.

I have new found respect for broken ribs. They deserve more credit. But I am coming to grips with the intricacies. There are many things you should not do if you have broken ribs. One of them is sneeze. Keep a gun beside you. If you cannot avoid sneezing – at the last possible moment before sneezing – shoot yourself. You will not regret this. I sneezed while driving. I wished I had had a gun.

Getting in and out of bed is an art. You cannot lie down or sit up like a normal person. To get up you must draw your knees up your chest, wrap your arms around your legs and then rock backwards and forwards until you get just enough momentum to propel yourself out of bed into a standing position. This takes some practice. Too much momentum is very dangerous – for you and for your chests of drawers.

Getting into bed is the reverse of this and is complicated if you land on a cat. Always check behind you first.

There are not many positions you can lie in with broken ribs. There is in fact only one. This is on your back. It is theoretically possible to lie on your side (the one without broken ribs) but the noise the broken ribs make is so blood curdling – with the squeaking, snapping,  popping and scraping – that it is really not feasible.  

I have managed to stifle my involuntary shrieks so that they are more or less squeaks and can be passed off in public as nervous tics or coughs.

Today I went out to do some shopping and wore my woolen skivvy, leather jacket, bank-robber beanie and Ray Ban Aviators. I put my Ray Bans on coming home through Stadtpark and coming into Am Heumarkt this good looking blonde came out, gave me a glimpse, then gave me a long stare and a big smile. I must look HOT today I thought. I checked myself in the elevator mirror and discovered that one of my Ray Ban lenses had fallen out.


  1. So good to hear that you are re-emerging!

    I just hope your calcium tables are not too large. Or is Cate chopping them to bits like firewood before she leaves for work?

  2. Smooth.
    You make me feel so good about myself.

    This one time....
    I smashed and broke my front tooth on the kitchen bench when I sneezed while putting a teabag in the bin under the sink.
    This one other time.....I was taking up the hem on a pair of pants and I sewed the front of the leg to the back of the leg.
    The list goes on (and on)(and on).

    Speaking indelicately, I imagine bum-wiping is a bit of an issue for you at the moment too.
    This one husband had cancer in both his shoulders and they were operated on at the same time. We experimented with a stick stuck to the wall with toilet paper wrapped around the end. It was unsuccessful.

  3. Merisi: They are gigantic: I cut them up with a pizza slice.

    Freefalling: OH nice one. I imagine the bum-wiping machine did not make it onto 'The Inventors'. WHAT an imagination you have.

  4. Badger, you surprise me, again and again:
    Where in the world did you get that sharp a pizza slice?

  5. Your getting into and out of bed account is hilarious, I relate so much to it and I only had cracked ribs!

  6. Merisi: I lied I get a Fiaker horse to chew them up for me.