It is apparently idiot proof

Why do women complain when I grope them? I am so rich and so orange. 

My goodness I am bad at blogging.

Over the last week I have made two types of pumpkin soup. Both were inedible. I have never been able to make pumpkin soup. Whatever I make is disgusting. I don't understand this because I follow tried and true recipes but have obviously not used the right amount of ingredients.

Anyway both batches went down the Insinkerator. I love that word. It takes talent to make a word like that. A word of advice. Do not put asparagus down your Insinkerator. It will die and a man will come and say 'you should never put asparagus down your Insinkerator’. Not only will its pee smell funny - but it will be completely fucked!

But recently I have made some excellent Thai dishes. We have an astonishing market here that sells absolutely everything Asian including lemongrass. What a wonderful thing this is. At this market there were - and I counted them - 60 different types of leafy vegetables. I bought shrimp paste and other stuff that you cannot find anywhere else. I could have bought cod balls and grees nuts but I have no idea what these are for. 

The fence is being moved again on Wednesday. This is to give Georgia more grass. She really loves grass and we can play chase the hippo for hours. The hippos are indestructible plastic toys that squeak and she loves them. We cannot give her anything made of fibre or cloth because she destroys them and eats them and the results are not pretty. It is bad enough collecting large turds  - but multicolored stringy ones are just too much early in the morning.

We have a very large and very old house and there are three stories. It is hard to see what is happening up top but my casual observations have deduced that large bits are rotting and are in need of attention. There is no way of proving this because there is simply no way I am going to climb an 80 foot ladder. At my stage of life I am risking everything just climbing out of bed.

So I thought I should buy a drone with a camera so that I could send it up to take photographs of the destruction.

Drones are much more difficult to manage than I had imagined. But then I have trouble with the toaster so it should not have been much of a surprise. I spent some time crashing into trees and bushes before it took on a life if its own and vanished into the ether. The last time I saw the drone it was heading towards Carmel. I am sure I will not see it again but can only hope that its last act was to decapitate a Trump supporter. 

I have ordered another drone from Amazon. This one is apparently idiot proof. But these drones have never encountered an idiot like me. We shall see. 

We gave Georgia her first bath on the weekend. Oh sure she has had baths before at dog grooming places but we have never dared to try. So we girded our loins and had a go. We were not expecting much as she is the most timid dog in all of Christendom. The previous day we had been at Petco and she was such a wimp I told he that she really had to put her big girl pants on. I did in fact say after Petco that she did not appear to have any big girl pants.

But she was amazing when we washed her. She was still and quiet and let us lather her up and wash her nether regions without complaint. So she does have some big girl pants after all. I now have to clip her nails. I cannot do this alone but Cate does not want to participate because she thinks it will be awful - but she he going to have to put her big girl pants on too.

Tonite is Halloween. We have left the lights off and kept quiet. This is because last year we left a big basket of goodies outside and a horde of children got out of an SUV and took the lot. Sort of destroys the trick or treat thing so we could not be bothered.

I just can't wait

9 November: WRONG - I never ran for President. 

Well the ribs I cooked were just awful. I had not realized that they had already been covered in rub so I could not use one of Myron’s rubs. I did not smoke them for nearly long enough and they were not the way they should have been. I suspect that were not the best quality ribs. It was not a happy experience but I shall try again later this  season.

We had been spoiled because Cate was given some ribs which had been cooked by a guy named Sherman - and they were fabulous. He guards his recipe closely and will not give to anyone. 

There is still no sign of Johnny so I am doing gardening things myself. 

It is less than three weeks to the election and it will all soon be over and the orange moron can go back to doing what he used to do. 

I have never seen anything quite like the last 12 months or so - and the debates were a sight to behold. 

I think in 200 years they will still talk about the Trumpeter as the single most dangerously unqualified person ever to run for office. I mean it is one thing to not know anything about - well - anything and to be a rampant narcissist and a frothing conspiracy theorist and a serial liar and a misogynist and a racist and a promoter of violence and a cheat and conman extraordinaire - but to combine this with more than modicum of outright hooting lunacy is a combination I do not think this country could survive. 

As it is there are millions who are now cleaning their guns and sharpening their pitchforks ready to take to the streets to massacre all those election rigging liberals on 9 November. 

Cate bought me a Hillary tee shirt and I sure as hell will not be wearing that in public anywhere in this town.

It will be - as they say - a shit show. Best to lay low for a few months or years. 

I finally changed TV providers. We had a service which was provided by satellite. This was fine unless there were storms or tornados or high winds tor heavy rain. We have a lot of that kind of stuff here so we constantly lost our service. 

I could not afford to have something like this happen on election night which I expect to be almost delicious as the night John Howard lost his seat.

I just can't wait. 

How could I go wrong?

Still waiting for a squirrel 

Before we went to New Orleans I dropped Georgia off on Friday afternoon at the Broad Ripple animal clinic. She was to be looked after by Rachel who was going to take her home. So I had the vet give her a checkup first as she has been scratching a lot and we were sure she did not have fleas.

Georgia was as well behaved and cooperative as she always is when she goes to see the vet - and after unsuccessfully trying to climb on top of my head she scrunched herself into the smallest possible ball underneath the bench in the examination room. There she lay shivering and panting until the vet was able to be extract her for the examination. 

This is never an easy task because she weighs 51 pounds and is able to wedge herself into impossible spaces. Sometimes it would be handy to have the ‘jaws of life’ to get Georgia out of her hiding places. 

Turns out she did have a flea - maybe even two - and they must be hardy little souls because they survived a flea collar and flea tablets. They might be Democrats living in the mid-west -these are a very tough breed indeed. 

There are many things to see and experience in New Orleans. You have to go to Bourbon street at night. The best way to do this is by helicopter so that you avoid the absolute ghastliness of the place and do not end up being covered in blood and vomit.

However if you need to go on foot do so before midnight because legend has it that at that time otherwise normal people turn into asshats - or even worse - Trump supporters. 

There are oodles of jazz clubs and there are a few really good ones. We went to Irvin Mayfield's and the man himself was not there but the crew that was on stage were very good indeed. We were impressed by that and another bar we went to in the afternoon where a group of young guys were having a fine time.

We saw the museum of art which is surprisingly good. There is a fabulous sculpture garden which just knocked our socks off. We went to the National WW11 museum. I have no idea why this is in New Orleans but it is worthwhile going to NO just to see it. 

We were hugely entertained while we were away by the totally unhinged Trumpster ranting and raging and stalking Hillary on the stage at the debate. It seems we are out of the woods as far as his election is concerned although he is doing is absolute best to ensure that a revolution takes place when he loses. He is now frothing about a global conspiracy to bankrupt America. I am sure there is worse to come. 

Tonite I am smoking some St Louis ribs on my Traeger. This is my first time with ribs and I am guided in my endeavors by Myron Mixon who is the ‘winningest man in  barbecue’. How could  go wrong. 

It is easier to get wet

The thing that Georgia is most afraid of is an umbrella. 

Now she is afraid of many things - but umbrellas seem to be at the top of the table at the moment. Last week we were coming home from shopping and when we went to leave the garage the rain was pelting down. 

So I did what any normal person would do and opened an umbrella. Big mistake. Georgia took off into the garden and would not come inside the house. I could not leave her out in the rain so I had to chase her round the garden for half an hour trying to bribe her with treats.

I had forgotten that it really is easier to get wet than use an umbrella.

My gardening mate Johnny has gone missing and did not turn up last week to do the gardening - and his phone has been turned off. It is possible that he went on a bender - as he occasionally does - and ended up in jail - as he occasionally does. 

Cate had yet another plant nursery expedition last week so I had to dig the holes for the plants. This is harder than it sounds as the soil around our house is basically rubble and any digging requires the removal of masses of rocks. Georgia digs lots of holes but they are never where I need them. 

But I did it and yesterday I mowed the lawn. There is not much of this now so it was quite easy. 

Yesterday Georgia was sitting on the back porch and spied a squirrel in the tree. The squirrel climbed down and sat on the lawn eating bird seed and corn. The girl thought her time had come and she sat stock still for ten minutes sussing out the prey. 

Finally she moved. She lifted her front paw to take a step towards the squirrel - and it was gone in a flash. She ran to the tree and watched as the squirrel sat there watching her pathetic performance. She is lucky squirrels do not guffaw.

I am much more relaxed now after the presidential debate has given Hillary a comfortable lead overall and in the battleground states. It should not matter that much but I have to live here for a while and I am just not ready for that lying, blubbering, sniveling, whining pile of orange toxicity to be in charge of the country - or indeed anything at all.

Poor Donald looked at all the online polls the next day and told everyone he had won by a large margin. Is he really that dumb? Probably. The real polls showed Hills completely blitzing him. 

I expect the Trumpster to go full feral in the next debate as this is his last chance to save his sorry ass. I will be glad when this is all over and he can go back to doing what he does best. Being a world class conman - perhaps the like of which we have not seen here ever.

Tomorrow we are going to New Orleans. We shall drink Sazerac and munch Creole food for three days.