The Bucket Please!

Spring sprang briefly last week but sprang off again on Saturday when the snow came down and the Duck Pond started to freeze over. The Ducks are not at all bothered by this sudden change in weather and are carrying on as normal for this time of the year - i.e. the boys are chasing the girls. Ah - Spring!

We went to the Liechtenstein Museum but this was a resounding failure as the only way you can do stuff there on Sunday is to go to a recital and have lunch.

We could look at the ground floor but unfortunately incurred the wrath of Grizelda the Angry Guard because I could not find our tickets (I had cunningly concealed them in my wallet) and we had committed the unpardonable sin (Shriek!) of not putting our coats into the Cloak Room. She then followed us around glaringly until we scuttled out of the building.

I have been trying to watch BBS World News on my PC while using my exercise bike but it is impossible to watch – being and endless series of self-promotional items punctuated by snippets of news with lashings of drivel – accompanied by a monotonous jangling soundtrack that sounds like three cats and a guitar in a drum rolling down a hill.

They do such penetrating stuff as seeing how providing the Internet to two villagers in a remote town in Nigeria will affect their lives. The town does not have electricity and no one has ever seen a PC before. (In fact this is still the case)

When we go to the story we discovered that what they meant by Internet was two Internet enabled Satellite phones. They were given to two boys (of course). Moses and Nicholas. Asked how he got on Nicholas said that he could not get his SIM Card to work. Moses had more success and was apparently able to connect with someone ‘out there’ and now feels as though he is part of the wide world. In fact he no longer needs to go to America as he can be there ‘virtually’.

He still doesn’t know about MTV so cannot possibly be part of the wide world.

The second part of this dross is to take the internet away from couple of people who use it all the time. Oh – I wonder what the impact will be?

Give me a Break – this is supposed to be BBC World News.

I never watch the Academy Awards. I think they are the greatest exhibition of self-indulgence in the history of the universe. I love movies but – let’s face it – the people who do it are Cinematographers and Directors and Actors and Gaffers. They are simply not that special. Talented yes – life-changingly special no - It’s a movie! And Gaffers get no awards. I will watch it when Gaffers and Best Boys get awards.

But the acceptance speeches are something else. These should not be watched unless you have a bucket at hand. For sheer mushy, sloppy, schmaltzy, banal, trite, cutesy, lovey-dovey, gooey, drippy, sloshy, soupy, treacly, cheesy, corny, icky, sappy, hokey, cornball, sick-making dribbling, maudlin, fawning, sobbing suckiness they have no equal.

But it is nice to see that Jeff Bridges got an Award – and my favourite Actress – Sandra Bullock (bucket please) who is the first person in history to win an Academy Award and a Razzie in the same year.