Wednesday, June 29, 2011

You can also drink its blood and it eat parts raw

Cate rang me at 4:30 AM her time in Bangkok  - which was 11:30 PM my time – as I had just sent her a cat photo. I do this every day – with a lie attached that the cats are thinking of her and want her home. Of course the cats don’t give a rat’s ass about her – or me – or anyone else.

I do this in the hope that it might provide her some small comfort because I know how difficult these trips are for her – for one thing she sleeps very badly – hence the 4:30 call. So she has to get up at 7:00 after very little sleep and work all bloody day and on and on it goes.

She is currently planning Christmas. I mean the part of Christmas that happens after Christmas. Of course we will do our usual thing here and Gwenyth and Molly will be here for the Goose and the usual festivities.

This year she has decided that she would like to try to get me eaten by a Polar Bear. She is thinking about Norway and a place called Svalbard. There are apparently 4,000 Polar Bears – and the Northern Lights – which we did not see when we were in Finnish Lapland where I did my rib thing.

I have checked – we will be on Snowmobiles. Polar Bears cannot outrun Snowmobiles – the odds are good.  In any event I can surely outrun Cate and Gwenyth because they run like a girls. I know – you think I should stay and throw myself in front of the Bear to allow them to get away – and maybe I would.

She was also going to take me skiing for the first time in my life but I took her gently through the range of likely scenarios – crashing,  screaming, paramedics, ambulance, hospital, surgery, traction, months of physiotherapy - plus she would have to empty the kitty litter for months (this was the clincher) so she canned that idea. 

She is pretty damn sick of my ribs (but not as sick as I am) so knows what to expect if anything else goes wrong.

I am not going to be cold in Norway. I damn near froze to death on the Reindeer ride in Lapland. I have ordered a Jack Wolfskin catalogue so that I can get some proper gloves.
I should also get a Bear Grylls knife. He says that if you really have to you can cut open a Reindeer and climb inside it to get warm and survive. I assume you have to kill it first. I have seen him do this. I don’t think it was a Reindeer he climbed inside but it was large and dead and warm.

You can also drink its blood and it eat parts of it raw. I might skip that bit. Of course I am hoping it does not come to this but I am providing for all eventualities.

I am not sure that I could convince the man who owns  the Reindeer that this would be a good idea. I may also have trouble convincing the Dry Cleaner in Vienna that he should not charge me extra – and that he should not call the Polizei.

But we can have Reinsdyrgryte afterwards – trust me it - is delicious if you can cope with the concept. We had it in Lapland – every night.


  1. Wow. My travel adventures pale in comparison to yours.

    I saw a bit of the Northern Lights in Iceland - stunning! I hope you can stop outrunning Polar Bears long enough to enjoy them.

  2. I have friends in Norway. I've never seen pictures of them with polar bears, only huddled around a cafe table eating very expensive pizza.

  3. Is that reindeer praying or looking for his car keys?

  4. That is one ugly reindeer butt. I pity Santa having to stare at all those reindeer butts. I will never again think of Rudolf without thinking about his butt.

  5. ~cannot understand why anyone who is already going to be cold in Austria at Christmas would want to go and get even colder in Norway. Especially after reading the Reindeer ride in Lapland post, when you were clearly a block of ice with limbs!

  6. I imagined that after you climbed inside a reindeer it would be eaten by a polar bear which would then be eaten by a house cat.

  7. smedette: That's because Cate likes to get about. I sure we see the lights this time.

    SK Waller: I am sure we will have some of the expensive pizza - or expensive something.

    Merisi: It's a truffle Reindeer

    fmcgmcclic: But only ugly unless you are not a Reindeer If you are a Reindeer it is probably hot.

    Alexia: We are not normal

    esbboston: Sissi is certainly big enough to do the job.

  8. Oh, i havent been on Finland or Scandinavia for few years as i live in Paris but i would kill to get good reindeerstew with potatoes. Here reindeer is terribly expensive so i dont eat it here. That and good hot smoked salmon and i would be at heaven.. you propably notice than im from Finland by way of talking these things.