Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Do you have a bug up your ass?

I was much taken by an expression used by Vicki Lane in a comment on my blog. She said the old goat from Gamone probably had a ‘bug up his ass’. It is a wonderful expression which I had heard many times before but had forgotten  about – and of course describes the situation perfectly.

I can just imagine him siting there on Saturday with his cup of Cocoa realizing – suddenly – that he is reading what for him is tripe – and has been for years. It is like discovering that the original painting you had on your wall – and admired for so long is a –gasp – fake! Why – he splutters – but this is rubbish! It is all rubbish. It is – as we say in France – bof!

Now normal people would move – fairly calmly - on to the next blog of their choice but it is the bug up the ass factor that causes some readers to rain down the nuclear holocaust of emails onto the offending blogger(s).

Perhaps it is the thought of all those wasted hours reading what he has suddenly discovered was absolute rubbish. Those hours that could have been spent communing with nature or photographing linden trees, or roses or trimming the donkey’s toenails.

Instead this filthy swine in Vienna has stolen those hours from me. This bastard must pay. I hate him so much. He is such a talentless little whore. Where is my flame thrower? Where is my death ray? Why is my ass so itchy?

I was thinking about this last night. I have stopped reading - as we all have – literally hundreds of blogs over the years and have never once felt the need do turn a flame thrower on the writers.

Now it must have been a significant bug up the old goat’s ass. Maybe it was giving birth to little buzzing bugs.

There are a lot of bugs buzzing about at the moment.

The current bug up of a lot of asses is that they have seats in airplanes that recline. You now read almost daily stories about people assaulting each other because the seat in front of them reclined. Well – that is what they are supposed to do. They make them that way. Suddenly people are taking great offence when the people in front of them recline their seats.

In Sydney they are talking about making some railway carriages ‘silent carriages’ so that people can escape the cell phones and the music. These are guaranteed bug inserters into the asses of some people.  I am not sure how these people would go on the Metro in Paris where to get in and out of carriages you have to fight your way through hordes of musicians – with varying degrees of talent.

I read recently that a woman on an inter-city train in the USA was assaulted by other passengers because she spoke on her cell phone for 13 hours non-stop. Well – that would probably do it for me too. Some phone battery! WTF could you talk about for 13 hours.

I have no significant bugs up my ass (joke!).

My main ass bug at the moment is the crazy Michele Bachmann who is - believe it or not – a leading contender for the Republican nomination for the Presidency. 

This nincompoop says global warming is a gigantic hoax perpetrated by all the world’s scientists (for reasons unknown). You can argue about the degree that humankind may or may not be responsible - but not that it is actually happening – that is indisputable.

She also says – amongst many, many other very crazy things -  that Intelligent Design (creationism) should be taught in schools and that gayness can be cured.

That someone this crazy can even be a contender in a contest this serious sets my bugs a buzzing something fierce. There is something seriously wrong in the Home of the Brave.

I have – of course – many more ass bugs. I shall reveal some more soon.


  1. Ass bug. Yeah, I like that. I'm using that from now on.

  2. I'm paying less attention to national politics as I get older and spend more time enjoying my dog, grape vines, and my tomato plants while gearing up my department of defense to combat certain illegal immigrants: tomato worms. The war is going pretty well this year so far with minimal leaf damage, no fruit gone and 3 worms sent to POW camp (sealed up in a Folgers Coffee can). Last year half of one of the grape vine leaves were wiped out before I caught them, same kind of worm. I am glad my bugs of irritation are outside in the garden.

  3. I don't know you personally but I just wanted to tell you that you make me smile (and sometimes laugh out loud) every single day! Thank you :)

  4. It's a fine old saying, Badger, and we have another here in the mountains of Appalachia that would seem equally appropriate for the old grouch -- "crazy as a shithouse rat."

  5. I agree with Twisted Baobab, I've left you a comment a time or two but I just wanted to let you know again how much I enjoy reading your blog! I came across it in preparation for a holiday to Vienna and have been reading it now nearly every day two and a half years after the fact!

    'Where is my flame thrower? Where is my death ray? Why is my ass so itchy?' - priceless.

  6. freefalling: Exactly

    SK Waller: It is so good.

    esbboston: I suggest you pay NO attention to national politics at all.

    Twisted Baobab: And thank you too!

    Vicki Lane: In Australia we say 'cunning as a shithouse rat'

    Laurita02: Thanks - you are too kind.

  7. I agree, I find my life is much more pleasant by ignoring the teleBision eXcept for weather reports of approaching tornados, although it has only rained here about a sixth of an inch here in the last six months. I am pretending I'm in Australia.

  8. To spend a day in your head, Badger...

  9. I never did understand why some people feel the need to torch someone for what they write on their own personal internet spaces. Perhaps internet anonymity has gone a bit too far...

    Personally, I enjoy what you write.