Friday, December 3, 2010

It just cannot be a full-scale ark!

The ‘winners’ of the draw to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups were announced and for days leading up to this stupendous and epoch making event the BBC had a major presence covering every breathless exchange between everyone in Zurich.

They interviewed everyone they could find – and David Beckham many times. 

David always looked like he had just been shagging someone – and desperately needed a haircut – but on each occasion squeaked his confidence in England’s chances – as did everyone else the BBC asked – as they worked their way through many hundreds of officials, ex-players, hangers-on, royalty and many other people of doubtful provenance.

England’s chances were sort of kicked to the shithouse a day or so ago when Panorama aired a show alleging that 3 FIFA officials had accepted bribes. Yawn.

More surprising would have been a documentary alleging that of the 20 odd FIFA officials - 3 did NOT accept bribes.

FIFA must surely be the most corrupt  ‘sporting’ organization outside the International Olympic Committee (which cannot be matched in that respect) and indeed is picking two World Cup venues at the same time to screw the maximum amount out of the market for their retirement funds.

Even so – England thought they had a good chance because Russia was the favorite but Vladimir Putin had decided not to go to Zurich and this was interpreted as a sign that he knew Russia could not win. Unfortunately it was a sign that the Russia had already won. Not that he could know this because it is a secret ballot and no one knows until the final votes. (Yeh sure).

Anyway it was a complete fiasco and England received only 2 votes and went out in the first round. Thank you Panorama! Thank you linesmen, thank you ball boys. You may bid again for the World Cup in 2030 - or stick your head up a dead bear's bum - your call. 

After this tragic news BBC felt it necessary to again interview everyone on the planet and for good measure interviewed some fans who had been waiting in the snow in London for the results. They were – as you can imagine – disappointed – but are looking forward to the actual events so that can watch England get flogged by Transylvania and Bogiztan  – if indeed they can make it to the final 32.

For a country that invented the fecking game England does not have much of a track record playing it in the World Cup – but Becks will still be available for 2018 and can coach in 2022.

Meanwhile, in the Antipodes, Australia waited – also breathlessly – for its chance for the 2022 World Cup. Australia could not match the courageous performance of England and received only 1 vote – also exiting in the first round. If Australia was a horse in this race it would have been shot. 

It may have been something to do with a cartoon Kangaroo giving part of the presentation but I reckon it was more like the $100 Billion that Qatar was going to ante up to host the event. That seems like a lot of money – you can bail out Ireland or a Wall Street bank for less than that!

Yes – I said Qatar – that magnificent footballing nation with such a strong track record in the World Cup. It’s somewhere in the Middle East. It’s hot and sandy – but they will grow grass for the football games.

I am sure I could not have heard this right but the BBC commentator aid that Qatar is going to build 22 new stadia and after the World Cup will deconstruct parts of them and ship them to third world countries where thy will re-construct them. 

Now that’s not the craziest thing I have ever heard - but it goes close. And because it gets so hot over there they are going to build air-conditioned stadia – that will be good for the planet. 

We should all fasten our seat belts for a rise in oil prices in 2018 because by then the $100 Billion will be more like $400 Billion and you and I will have to pay for it.

But I am just not going to pay for the full-scale Noah’s Ark that some lunatics are going to build near the Creation Museum in Kentucky. As reported yesterday

“Governor Steve Beshear today joined the Ark Encounter LLC to announce the planned construction of a full-scale Noah’s Ark tourist attraction in northern Kentucky. Partnering with the Ark Encounter is Answers in Genesis, which is most widely known for its high-tech and popular Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky.
“We are excited to join with the Ark Encounter group as it seeks to provide this unique, family-friendly tourist attraction to the Commonwealth,” said Gov. Beshear. “Bringing new jobs to Kentucky is my top priority, and with the estimated 900 jobs this project will create, I am happy about the economic impact this project will have on the Northern Kentucky region.”
Now you just have to know that something is seriously wrong when a State Governor endorses a project that actually promotes the loopy concept of creationism – in a State where they already have a Creation Museum, which shows children and dinosaurs playing together. Good grief! What is the matter with that country?

And anyway – it cannot possibly be a full-scale Ark. It may be full-scale in terms of what they deduce were the measurements in the bible - but my own previous calculations (Using MS Excel) show that the ‘full-scale’ Ark could not even hold all the Beetles, Frogs, Reptiles etc. not to mention the hordes of Ducks and other larger hairy beasts. 

To get anywhere near close to being able to accommodate all them – and allowing even crawl space for Noah and his family – even in bunk beds - you would need something twice the size of the Pentagon – and even then it would be like the Tokyo subway at peak hour. 

And it would be a complete shambles because anyone who has seen any of David Attenborough knows that all the creatures of the planet want to do is eat each other - all day every day. There is just no stopping them. 

Thankfully - almost exclusively - Republicans will fund the project  - so Democrats can put aside their money in the hope that they may be able to have a token one or two seats left in Congress after the election. 

The opening ceremony will be performed by President Palin and the First Dude. Don't laugh! Ms Palin is a creationist and wants it taught in schools. What is the matter with that country?


  1. haha. brilliant.
    world cup in russia = disaster. seriously. its a nightmare even getting a visa.
    qatar = its gonna be interesting! (i've been there)
    noahs ark = barmy. absolutely barmy.

  2. some people really do believe that these things are done on merit. The English bid cost us £16 Million and it never occurred to any one to just dress Beckham up in a £20 Lion costume handing out the rest of the budget in little brown envelopes. It would have been a much more successful use of the cash.

  3. Qatar is going go be interested, to say the least. When Russia was announced my jaw hit the floor.

    I almost emailed you the story about the Creationism Theme Park, but figured you'd find it on your own. When we moved across the country, we purposely did not stop in Kentucky. I would have like to skip a couple of other states, but it's hard to get from Oregon to North Carolina without going through the middle or the south.

  4. I'm thinking that if we can get all the loonies (and Palin) at the opening ceremony that creates a unique opportunity for a spontaneous flood in the South.

  5. angiv: I hope that Russians are better at organizing World Cups that they are at running a country.

    Glen: Brilliant idea! You should be on the next bid committee. Becks will have to do it from a wheelchair but still.

    Jessica: Not too much about this weird shit passes me by.

    Wanderlust: Perfect place for it - Ark at the ready.