Take your vomit and go

So before I was interrupted by brain surgery I was going to tell you about applying for a replacement driver’s license – because your license has been stolen.

You sit down in front of the BMV clerk thinking – well I do have a driver’s license  – it is still current – they have all my details – last time I gave them my passport – birth certificate – I94 – social security card – proof of residence – visa approval – they took copies of everything – I have my passport with me - well this will be a simple process.

Unfortunately the female clerk sees things differently.

I am an alien life form – possibly from planet Jupiter or worse – the (shriek) middle east – who is most likely a terrorist – and spent last night building bombs.

So before the clerk calls security she asks to see my passport. She peruses it very carefully indeed. She spends some time staring intently at her computer screen. This does not give her the answers she requires so she opens her top drawer and removes some hand written sheets of notes.

Where is your I94?

But you saw it already. You have a copy here. Truly - I gave you a copy last time. I still have a visa – it is in my passport which lies before you.

But I want to see it again. The rules say we have to see the I94.

Back in the car – home to get the I94.

Next time I see a man.

I triumphantly place my passport and I94 before him.

Ah good I see you have your I94 – do you have your social security card?

Jesus wept. How many times do you want to see this? You have photocopies of it. I saw you take them in this very boutique not twelve months ago.

But I want to see it again. The rules say we have to see the social security card.

Back in the car – home to get the social security card.

We are now two hours into the process.

Each time I get to the BMV I have to take a number and wait.

Number 360? That’s ME!

I see you have your I94 and social security card. Do you have a two proofs of residence.

No – I have six! You cannot get me on that one.

That will be 244.

Two hundred and forty four dollars?

No  - $2.44

Cheapest deal in town!

And here is your brand new license copy. The original will be mailed to you – perhaps before it expires in 2015.

However – do not expect to use your brand new temporary license for anything. It is useless.

You may have – for example – but suffering from a brain abscess and have just been to a medical clinic where a doctor gave you a prescription for pain killers.

You may need to get these scripts filled – in between crying and vomits onto your sneakers – at the same pharmacy you have always used – and where everyone knows you by name.

You have no license. We need to see your passport. Take your vomit and go.