Wednesday, May 4, 2011

He withered slightly under Cate’s death stare!

After our escape from the Dream Smasher we arrived back at Paradise Island at 9:00 AM. They had booted us off the dive boat early as possible as they had another load of victims arriving – and this suited us just fine.
But we were not looking forward to our second stay in Camp Festering. The first time around we were in a ‘Luxury Water Villa’ which – had it really been a 5 star resort - would have been just fine. However – we were actually in about a 2.5 star resort - but I had not realized this at the time of booking.
But – when I was booking so many months ago I had thought that after a week on a ‘Luxury Dive Boat’ all we would need for a day and a half before the flight home would be a room to crash – so for the second stay I had booked a ‘Beach Bungalow’.
Lying in the Water Villa during our first few days before the dive boat I had looked around and started to imagine what a Beach Bungalow would be like - and had a severe panic attack.
When I regained the use of my faculties I galloped frantically down to Reception to see if I could upgrade – but alas – for the dates we required – the Water Villas were fully booked. So we were pretty much resigned to our fate.
When we arrived at 9:00 we went through the same routine as previously and were herded into the bar and told to sit down and fill out forms with all our personal details. We had done this a week previously but this was of no consequence – rules are rules.
We were there for some time as other guests were led off to their rooms but finally a man approached us and said that the resort was fully booked and our room would not be ready until 1:00 PM.
He withered slightly under Cate’s death stare but had enough strength to retreat back to reception. We did not ask why everyone else could be given rooms – there was no point.
I started doing emails and blogging and Cate started working on her BlackBerry. Things were not going well in Work Land and she started mumbling and grumbling. Her thumbs glowed red hot as she fired off missives all over the planet and issued edicts for floggings and summary executions.
Meanwhile we watched boatloads of new guest arrive and be shown to their rooms.
Periodically she would storm the Reception desk and ask how the construction work was going on our room and whether or not the foundation had been laid.
Eventually – at 12:55 PM a man wearing a Kevlar vest and carrying a whip and a chair approached - cautiously - placed a key gingerly on our table and backed away. Whereas for a Water Villa we had been escorted to our room - this time a man waved in the general direction of India and sent us on our way.
With heavy hearts we started the long walk towards our hut – along a very long concrete path. Starting down cannery row we walked between a very long row of tiny little concrete boxes. We left the main resort behind, past the administration buildings, past a big dusty area which may once have been tennis courts, past what could have been a nuclear waste dump – I say this only because it glowed at night – which is just as well because the lights in our part of Camp Festering were fucked.
We knew we must be getting close when we got to the maintenance sheds and sewage works and – sure enough – there was #275.
We were greeted by a smiling Mohammed. His smiled faded when he saw the look on Cate’s face and the venom dripping from her fangs. He dropped the key into my hand and fled.
Tomorrow – things go downhill. 


  1. Super pic! Super Post! Liked It!


  2. I'm checking to see whether WikiLeaks has released any documents concerning the nasty camp where you've been interned. If and when you succeed in getting back safely to Vienna, your subsequent debriefing will be followed by a certain period of readjustment. There'll be psychological problems, inevitably, because a lot of the ordinary things of western civilization (such as Bushells tea, Sao biscuits and Vegemite) are likely to appear a little strange to you at first, at least for a few weeks. Bon courage! And be careful of all those exotic women who are currently putting out feelers towards you through their blog comments, particularly those from behind what you secret-service oldtimers used to refer to as the Iron Curtain. I can't help wondering retrospectively whether the whole big "Blog of Note" thing might have been an attempt by the Tea Party and Tony Abbott to bring you out into the open, and destroy your frogman cover. Be careful, in any case. Maybe you might think about wearing a wig, growing a mustache and changing your identity…

  3. Badger, excuse me for asking the same coded question as your British contact, but the French services would like to receive an updated answer. Did you see any birds?

  4. Love the suspense you're creating, Badger. This last day in 'paradise' should take a week's worth of posts at least!

  5. Just waiting for the next instalment. The art of the cliff-hanger, most necessary for serialisation, seems to be flourishing.

  6. I'll take Purgatory over Paradise.
    They might even have coffee. Hot. I guess. ;-)

  7. AJ: Thanks very much

    William: I will go very easy on the Bushells Tea to re-acclimatise. I thin k the most sinister thing about the Bi Laden affair is that he was found in a place called Abbottabad - Tony's Bath? What is that all about?

    William: The ones of a feathered variety were of no consequence. I have Francesca's email address.

    Annie: Only one to go.

    Merricks: I learned my trade from Conan Doyle.

    Merisi: Scalded beans are no good.

    fmcgmcclic: Thanks

  8. I followed the "blogs of note" link on my dashboard and found this. It's hilarious! I also feel terrible for Cate and the shampoo incident.
    Best wishes for a less amenity challenged getaway the next time.