Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ah America!

American Cemetery Colleville-sur-Mer

In response to Annie’s comment.

Whilst it is true that America is the Elephant in the corner we are hoping that it is a far off corner and that we will remain for some time blissful and undisturbed in our peaceful nest in Vienna.

Peaceful for me anyway – Cate’s life is bit more hectic but some one has to do it and it is certainly not going to be me – I gave at the office already.   

Indeed it is our fervent hope that we cannot go to America at all - although I am struggling to think what the reasons could be for this happy event not taking place.

Not that I would not wish to join my American Blogger friends in their wonderful homeland. It is just that it is not – at the moment – the most attractive option in front of us.

I mean I have been to Duckyanapolis and it is a lovely town. It is quiet and…well…very quiet. It has some nice steak restaurants and some shopping malls. It  has a Cinnabon so I can suicide by heart attack if the need arises. On the bright side it has Einstein Bros Bagels.

Unfortunately it is also stuffed full of god fearing Republicans so Cate and I could become fairly conspicuous and will have to keep a very low profile.

There is an Atheist Society so provided we leave the house in our 40 Tonne Koala Crusher each Sunday carrying our AK 47s (with Glock side arms) and some Tea Party banners we can pretend to be going to church and can actually just go off to a meeting with other Atheists and talk about something useful - like why America does not have Global Warming. 

If we are caught of course it will be tar and feathers all round – if not burning crosses on our front lawn. 

Barbecues may be a problem but I remember quite a bit from the bible and one of the things I learned from working with Christian organizations is that if you shout ‘Praise the Lord’ occasionally it will get you through a multitude of difficult situations.

But let’s not even think about that scenario. If the worst happens I can probably get myself banned from the USA by learning some Arabic and shouting anti-American slogans through the fence at the US Embassy. 

Perhaps – ‘Obama is a Muslim Marxist Criminal and was not born in America’.

I may be mistaken for a Fox reporter and invited to afternoon tea. 


  1. As much as I would love for you to move here, I totally understand your hesitation. I live in the Bible Belt and feel like a foreigner despite being an American.

    PS: This is 'merica. We don't drink no afternoon tea! What are you, British?

  2. Yeah. Here, we drink sweet tea. That's iced with a gallon of sugar in it. But then Indy isn't in the South.

  3. You might consider coming to England where Prince Richard of Dorking is revered and the lead item on the News for the next three year will be how we won the Ashes (juggling with the latest on Wayne Rooney's toenail or, today, how we thrashed Holland in the World Cup cricket).

  4. Jessica: But I am in Vienna - we drink Tea here - even in the US Embassy - I know this for a fact.

    SK Waller: Can't wait!

    Maalie: I would love to come to England old chap but I am not sure Ducky Pharma will move its Head Office for us.

  5. Catching up on some of your posts after being away for a while. While I would love to have the chance to meet you, I completely understand. Vienna sounds lovely and I doubt the States would suit you. Wouldn't it be ironic if you moved out here just as I finally up and moved to your homeland? You don't think they'd ever send you guys back home, do you?

  6. Well, I took a trip throughout a large part of France (the rented auto was 1500km past its scheduled maintenance when I returned it....last time they offer me unlimited mileage, if they are smart.), and I got along very well with the French. Many Americans have this thing against the French and think the French hate them, but that is PARIS, and not France, for the most part. Get out of Paris at your earliest convenience and see the real France full of decent people. Of course, I have a French surname and tried to speak some French, and I like the fact they have pets everywhere, including the adjacent table at the restaurant on some occasions. A restaurant that keeps a special bowl for its regular Cavalier King Charles Spaniel patron (with perfect table manners, I might add. Some British tourists, and some Americans, would do well to try and copy.) can't be all bad. Myself, I have a Rottie Shepherd, and he would have been welcome at the local bar. Whenever British tourists walked in, the mood among the wait staff changed and I knew I was going to see some cultural clashing, so I made sure I did not intermingle. Their loud remarks across the dining room while everybody else talked quietly was evident on several occasions. Since I am actually slim (quite UNAmerican these days) and did not complain about everything and have been told I look French and wasn't dressed like the average sloppy American tourist and was traveling with a Russian, even the Brits usually missed the fact I was American. As long as I spoke my gibberish Russian and French, I was just another one of the Frogs to them. If you are an English speaker traveling in France, do your best to distance yourself from British tourists (Aussies, Kiwis, and Canadians seem to not raise the French ire, so they seem safe) and you will have a more enjoyable trip. British expats who fled England and moved to France are a different story for the most part, and are often 180 degrees different than the tourists. Oh, and also stay away from Americans who insist on being the "ugly American" even if you are American and learn some gibberish French, Russian, German, Italian, etc., so they also take you as just another one of the Frogs and don't bring trouble on you by association. It's also legal for an American to travel on a Canadian passport, and I'm considering getting one as the US government continues its jackbooting campaign around the world.

  7. Well said - you have nailed it completely. Unfortunately - in most places in Europe - we find we get a better reception if we say that we are Australian - not American.