Monday, December 12, 2011

The real list and the imaginary list

Well I have not heard from Cate since she arrived in that far away hot place and that is either because she has been kidnapped and beheaded or because she has been too busy to call.

I am a glass half full person so am inclined to think the latter - and I am sure someone would have called me if she had been kidnapped. That would bugger up Christmas completely because Rozalin has ordered the turkey – and it is a big one.

In the meantime I am running the household and preparing for Christmas and this involves a number of things that require a great deal of focus - because I have been given a list of things to do.

There are actually two lists.

There is the real list – which includes cleaning the candle (I will come back to that) – and preparing the guest bedroom for Gwenyth – things which I was actually asked to do – and agree that I was asked to do.

Then there is the imaginary list which may include – for the sake of illustration – polishing the toaster. (I know I have used this before but it is a good example of things that can get on to an imaginary list).

So the conversation will go

Did you polish the toaster?


I asked you to polish the toaster for Christmas – did you do that?

No you did not ask me to polish the toaster – and of course I did not polish the toaster  - why would anyone who is not completely insane polish their fucking toaster for Christmas?

And there may be others even more obscure than this.

Needless to say these are real to Cate – bless her little cotton socks – so I am trying to anticipate her needs and will indeed give the toaster a quick rub before she gets back. It may not shine but it will gleam dully.

As for the candle. Well we bought these two gigantic silver and glass candle box thingies with equally gigantic candles – but the candles don’t burn properly – (and I think I know why – they get too hot).

But anyway the candles overflow and splatter wax all over the inside of the boxes so Cate asked me to clean one box - which I did and I tried to fix the candle with some wax surgery and by building a dam around the top of the candle.

Well you can see how successful this was. When I lit it last night it went all Mount St. Helens on me and sprayed wax everywhere. It is a complete shambles and I am not going to light it again. Ever.

I am also washing all the cat’s rugs. The cats have about a dozen rugs which they sleep on all over the house and I wash these all the time but of course as soon as a cat sleeps on one it looks like it has not been washed - so I am anticipating an imaginary task.

I am pretty good at this and should be able to deal with all the other real and imaginary tasks before Cate gets back. 


  1. I might offer solutions to the candle problem:

    A) install a refrigerated flow of air from the bottom of the candle holder back side to maintain the structural integrity of the candle
    B) artificial candles with flickering electric lamps on top
    C) hologram of the candle burning initially for 4 seconds, playback on an infinite loop

    WordVeri: tableti - Latin for 'cat' was 'let' outside by 'me'. Google Translate says its also Albanian for 'tablet', but that seems incredibly unlikely.

  2. Cate would be absolutely appalled if she saw my rugs. Or my basement. Possibly the entire house.

  3. LOL - I hope that it is only becase Cate is too busy that you haven't heard from her and not the first option !

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the imaginary list - there are a few of those things floating around in our family - so glad to find them in someone else's family as well !!!

    Have a great day !

  4. omg! I wish I could put a little piccie here of my face while reading this post! Fair fell off my chair almost while laughing out loud!
    & I thought everyone had heard of the Christmas ritual called Gleaming Toaster Process! Do it every year I do! hehehehe
    Just start imagining all the extra turkey meat you might get now, and if you imagine an H in front of my word verification code(eppiness), you'll have the emotion you'll be feeling as you tick everything off your imaginary to do list! ;^))))))
    ditto(Wanderlust) on Cate's thoughts about the state of my rugs/carpet! Appalled doesn't come close!

  5. esb: This sounds very much like a task for you so you are hereby invited to Christmas dinner.

    Wanderlust: She would not be appalled at all - unless I was your housekeeper.

    Me: I am sure it is because she is too busy. Of course she may be thinking of other things for me to do.

    Pam: Yes I guess everyone DOES have the ritual of some kind or another. I should know by now. Slow learner.

  6. Thanks for the invite to Christmas dinner. If you let me know eXactly what time it is (plus the time zone difference to Borger TX) I can be sure to be eating at the same time, thereby joining your crew in a virtual manner. I will even find a candle to light.

  7. fmcgmccllc: Thanks. Cumbria UK.

    esb: I will let you know - It is likely to be late on Christmas day here and we are 7 hours ahead of you.