Thursday, October 6, 2011

I will be taking the full five fifths - plus some extra

Badger near death in Lapland 

The redoubtable esbboston has suggested that one should take at least a fifth of one’s favourite alcoholic beverage to ease the pain of freezing to death in an icy cold environment.

As one who has damn near done that  – and now knows what it would feel like – I can assure esb that I will be taking a lot more than a fifth with me – it will be more like five fifths – and I will have a hip flask of Jameson wherever I go.

And as I have said before, I have been studying assiduously the survival skills of Bear Grylls and now know how to cut open and gut a reindeer to crawl inside it to keep warm, how to make a fire by rubbing two antlers over a pile of dried peat, how to outrun a polar bear – well you can’t actually outrun a Polar bear - you have to be able to run faster than the people you are with - and I have been training hard every day - stuff like that.

The harder thing on this occasion will be to survive the prices in Norway which everybody says – and from what I can see so far have no doubt is true – is the most expensive country on the planet.

This is another reason to take alcohol – particularly on the boat. The boat people have taken the trouble to publish the prices they charge for drinks – I imagine so that they prevent people from going into a catatonic state and needing medical treatment when they get their first bar bill.

You can get a glass of wine from £7.70 ($12) or a bottle of wine from £37 ($57). A glass of beer on the other hand is a snip at £6.60 ($10).

At those prices I am guessing there will not be any chance of us getting drunk and falling overboard.  


  1. That really is a pathetic photo.
    You look a little bit like that old scary Sith Lord from Star Wars!
    I know, I know - in pain, frozen and generally miserable.

    Do you have those special things you can put on your shoes to walk on ice?
    Not crampons.
    These are more civilized looking things.
    These thingys

    I know this bloke who smashed himself up really badly (broken shoulder, hip, ribs) slipping on the ice while posting a letter in London.
    He reckons these things are the bomb.

  2. Is it wrong I laugh when I see that photo? You look so...I don't even know what the correct word is.

    Stay away from the reindeer, Badger. I don't anything good can come of it.

  3. Five fifths and then some more? I have an economic solution for you that is already part of your name - Badger - that should help defray the cost of dying, oops, I mean cost of living of Norway.

    Just take the "Ba" from the first part of Badger and the "r" from the end: "Bar" - just open up a clandestine speak-easy on board the ship and sell alcohol to your ship mates. Only you may want to take 55 fifths, I am not sure eXactly how many thirsty frozen folks will be aboard the boat to make a go of the Badger Bar. At least everyone will know your name, Cheers!

    I'm sorry, I laughed a little just like smedette when I saw your photo, sorry.

    I looked up the word "redoubtable", but I wasn't sure which definition applied to me eXactly. Most of the synonyms sounded negative! Maybe there is a positive Aussie meaning I didn't find yet.

  4. freefalling: We have really good snow boots so I am sure In will not fall over. I am certainly not going to try to post a letter though - sounds very risky.

    smedette: Well I had broken 5 ribs the previous date so was not in good shape - and one hour late I was unconscious.

    esbboston: A speakeasy in our cabin sounds like an eXcellent idea. I meant redoubtable as 'worthy of respect or honour'.

  5. ahahahah! Dear Lord Sith...mate you can make the Jamiesons last longer by adding your urine to it (according to bear)...

  6. Oh, just loved your response "Perhaps a little ice?", cracked up laughing, and then instantly thought of a great single frame cartoon, where a couple of guys are lost in the Arctic and run out of drinking water. One of them uses the "Lets drink our ____" line, and then the other guy uses your line "Perhaps a little ice?" pointing at a snow drift.