Thursday, February 11, 2010

Killer Wobbegong?

Friday – news day.

There was a report in the Sydney Morning Herald that a man – standing in about a meter of water – was attacked by a Great White Shark.

An eye witness report said

"I could see a guy, he was out there just having a bit of a surf and it looks like a great white has come in underneath him, shot straight up, hit him like a freight train, knocked him up out of the water. He’s obviously freaked out. He reckons it was the biggest impact he’d ever felt in his life. Luckily for him he’s had the chance to grab hold of a rock and while he's hanging on to the rock the shark’s still latched on to his leg trying to drag him back out to sea. It was unbelievable”.

Well yes – it was unbelievable. Some Great White coming from one meter down. I get worse injuries from Sissi than the shark guy had on his leg.

It turns out that the monster from the deep was a Wobbegong. These are some of the most docile creatures on the planet and I have never heard previously of anyone being bitten by one.

I have in fact had collisions with Wobbegong while diving and did once stand on one. Perhaps it was the same one and it was pissed off at being stood on twice in 10 years.

Now the worst part about this is that Mr. Welsh – who survived this life threatening experience – has “signed an exclusive deal with Channel Nine” WTF? Is there a story here that I am missing? It was a Wobbegong for Keerists sake. You can get worse injuries from a little old lady and a shopping trolley in Woollies.

Channel Nine will work themselves in a foaming frenzy over this and will show endless footage of Great Whites (They are all sharks you know and they all kill for fun!). They will also tell stories about surfers in South Australia being taken by Great Whites – they will interview survivors with bites and bits missing. They will show divers in shark cages while Great Whites attack legs of lamb (not attached to the lambs I hasten to add).

And this will serve to continue to vilify some of the most wonderful creatures on the planet. Creatures – I might add – which are an essential part of the ocean food chain – and which are being massacred in their millions by fishermen, by shark finners and even by netting off Sydney beaches.

And – the most damaging films even made were ‘Jaws’ and its endless series of sequels which contributed more to the irrational fear of sharks than anything – ever – in the history of time.

It’s enough to make you vomit.

And why does everyone have to tell their boring sordid little stories

"Tonight on A Current Affair – Madge McGillycuddy tells the harrowing story of how the 380 Bus to Marrickville was late causing her to miss her appointment with her Dentist. We go behind the scenes to explore what this means for public transport - and teeth - in NSW. Madge tells us how she prayed to Mary Mackillop and miraculously another bus arrived 20 minutes later. We ask – why US President Obama has let this happen and what does he have against teeth in Australia?"

In Australia we have a special place for clots. It is called Parliament. There are some very special clots in Federal Parliament at the moment – on both sides of the house.

One is Tony Abbott who is the leader of the Opposition. He is a bible-bashing tub-thumping Catholic who wants us all to pray daily.

Mr. Abbott is also a climate change denier. He wasn’t always a climate change denier but it has now become expedient for him to be one – simply because he is now leader of the Opposition and his job is to – well – oppose.

Last year he supported the government’s climate change legislation. Then he became leader of the opposition and the whole concept of climate change turned into – in his words ‘complete crap’.

So now in Australia - just as we have in the USA - any government proposal of any type about anything at all is to be fought tooth and nail to a standstill. It is not about good government it is about denying the rights of the government to put their policies into effect. That for them is a victory. Bugger governing the country.

And – if at any stage they find a government policy with which they agree – then they will change their policy. Brilliant stuff.

Mr. Abbott was one of the very few politicians in Australia to meet with the well known – and barking mad – Lord Monckton – one of the highest profile – and craziest - climate change deniers on the planet. This man is an A-Class Honking Tosser of epic proportions. He should be bronzed and used as a door stop.

Because he is one of the very, very few climate change deniers with any profile at all he is trundled out endlessly by the whack jobs who think 50,000 scientists are wrong and that Lord Monckton and a few dozen others – with no scientific qualifications at all – are right.

He is a hereditary Lord and is not a member of the House of Lords. He has degrees in classics and journalism. His most famous and fatuous statement was about aids

“there is only one way to stop AIDS. That is to screen the entire population regularly and to quarantine all carriers of the disease for life. Every member of the population should be blood-tested every month ... all those found to be infected with the virus, even if only as carriers, should be isolated compulsorily, immediately, and permanently”.

If I tell you that Lord Monckton is a regular on Glenn Beck’s program on Fox it will give you some indication of how mad this guy is – because Glenn Beck is certifiable and when he is not on air he is kept locked in a cupboard under the stairs.

Another clot of the first order – and heading for gold plating as Clot of the Year – is Communications Minister Stephen Conroy. This is the extra special clot who wants to censor the Internet – and thinks it can be done.

‘How would you like your clot? The extra special double-cone clot please with the nuts on top!’

Mr. Conroy recently asked Google to censor YouTube videos. What? I hear you ask. What would be on YouTube that needed to be censored?

Well I suppose you could find a lot that could be censored on the grounds of good taste. Children falling ass over head off swings, really bad karaoke, rabbits falling into swimming pools, men lighting their farts and accidentally setting their testicles on fire etc.

But what the government actually wants censored is stuff about euthanasia, material about safer drug use and material on how to commit minor crimes such as painting graffiti.

(We don’t want those old folks killing themselves do we. We want the health system to do it. They must die in agony on life support so that we can make every last second of their lives a complete misery – just as we did when they were upright).

Mr. Conroy apparently said that Google could do this because:

"Google at the moment filters an enormous amount of material on behalf of the Chinese government; they filter an enormous amount of material on behalf of the Thai government."

And he is serious? Welcome to the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. Did I say extra nuts? And a cherry please!

Google – to their credit – has said that they will not do this. So I guess the government will have to censor YouTube and add it to the list of banned sites which will come into effect in the next couple of months.

When the time comes and the curtain falls on the Internet in Australia you may want to commit a Federal Crime and view material online about (shudder) voluntary Euthanasia. I could tell you how to do this – but you won’t need me.

There will be at least 1,000,000 people out there providing online advice on how to bypass the filters. If you can’t find one go outside and ask any boy or girl over the age of 8 and they will give you a practical demonstration.

One day these great steaming nits are going to make me cross and I will have a rant about them on my blog.

Oh and by the way. In Iran two people have been executed and another seven sentenced to death for......wait for it......offending god. This is religious nuttiness on such a stupendous scale that there is absolutely nothing more to be said.


  1. " A-Class Honking Tosser..."

    That's pure genius. And this is your best post to date! Thanks for the non-stop LOLs (really!) that started my day!

  2. My dear lady - you are much too kind!

  3. Is it wrong to get so much enjoyment from a rant? Am aghast at Lord Wonktut's (??) comments about AIDS.

    For Keerists sake? Explain...

  4. 'Keerist' is an exasperated 'Christ'

    No Maalie - you don't eat Wobbegongs. That would be like eating your pet cat.

  5. I heard about the shark attack on the radio heading home last night. I dread to see what the papers will make of it this morning.

    Incidentally, I'm not sure you should mention 'A Current Affair' in polite company.....

  6. It's impossible to read Aussie news and think about Australia these days without a pile of complex questions streaming into one's brain. Several examples. Under the new censorship laws on the horizon, will Australians be allowed to read about Wobbegongs on the Internet, and to watch photos of these naked hairy beasts? Will Stephen Conroy maybe ask Google to build a Wobbegong filter into their engine? Does Tony Abbott, the new Papist jerk on the block, consider that Wobbegongs were created by (a) God, (b) Intelligent Design, or (c) the Devil? Is Peter Garrett maybe looking into the idea of getting unemployed suburban youth to install dead Wobbegongs in house roofs as a revolutionary form of insulation?

  7. Viennese would find a way to turn them into Schnitzel. ;-)

  8. Great post! People here go NUTS about sharks, snakes and spiders. Learn to live with them i say. We get funnel web spiders in our house. They dont bite either unless you tread on one..

    A Bull shark is far more dangerous then a white and a Wobbegong would only bite if you stood on the poor thing.