Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hotel Haiku

Cate outside the entrance to the elevator up to the Eagle's Nest. Treading the path travelled by Hitler, Goering, Himmler and all the other nutters of that era.

Annie has asked an interesting question. Why don’t I ask fellow travelers for advice about hotels? Well…..I do.

There are many travel sites which I trawl relentlessly. The main one is

While it is quite easy to find nice hotels anywhere I have a Set of Rules which I must apply to any accommodation.

These are determined by Cate who has a number of very specific requirements.

The full Set of Rules comprises a number of bound volumes (A DVD will be available early in 2010) and is too extensive to canvass here – but some of the rules are:

It must be in the old part of the city right next to everything and it should be so close to the Cathedral/Castle/Ruins that you can lean out the window and touch them.

It should be very quiet with heavy curtains so that it can be made as dark as the inside of a cow’s stomach in a graveyard at midnight on a moonless night. (This makes for interesting bathroom excursions in unfamiliar surroundings).

It probably won’t be modern but if it is it will not look modern and will have the essential features of an old hotel (but with no rats in the walls).

It must be elegant and no Chintz is allowed. (Chintz is not clearly defined in the Rules but when Cate spots it you can hear her shrieks in Ouagadougou).

The furniture should be elegant and substantial but not Prissy (No precise definition is provided for Prissy but even I know it when I see it).

The bed must be at least Queen size so that our toes don’t hang over the end. It should not be two single beds pushed together. (This is a toughie in Europe).

Breakfast should be Cate’s favourite Muesli and have fresh Orange juice and wholemeal toast.

The coffee should be espresso and not boiled kitty litter that has been left to stand overnight in a vat of Bison urine. (Another toughie).

Overall – it must be nice and she must like it. This is the Catch.

Whatever else it will be it is unlikely to fulfill those last two criteria. Which leads me to write some appropriate (and very bad) Haiku.

Fine hotels are legion
Sadly for me
My choices suck

However, I am nothing if not tenacious and victories like The Grand in Krakow keep me driving forward relentlessly.

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