Hotel Haiku

Cate outside the entrance to the elevator up to the Eagle's Nest. Treading the path travelled by Hitler, Goering, Himmler and all the other nutters of that era.

Annie has asked an interesting question. Why don’t I ask fellow travelers for advice about hotels? Well…..I do.

There are many travel sites which I trawl relentlessly. The main one is TripAdvisor.com.

While it is quite easy to find nice hotels anywhere I have a Set of Rules which I must apply to any accommodation.

These are determined by Cate who has a number of very specific requirements.

The full Set of Rules comprises a number of bound volumes (A DVD will be available early in 2010) and is too extensive to canvass here – but some of the rules are:

It must be in the old part of the city right next to everything and it should be so close to the Cathedral/Castle/Ruins that you can lean out the window and touch them.

It should be very quiet with heavy curtains so that it can be made as dark as the inside of a cow’s stomach in a graveyard at midnight on a moonless night. (This makes for interesting bathroom excursions in unfamiliar surroundings).

It probably won’t be modern but if it is it will not look modern and will have the essential features of an old hotel (but with no rats in the walls).

It must be elegant and no Chintz is allowed. (Chintz is not clearly defined in the Rules but when Cate spots it you can hear her shrieks in Ouagadougou).

The furniture should be elegant and substantial but not Prissy (No precise definition is provided for Prissy but even I know it when I see it).

The bed must be at least Queen size so that our toes don’t hang over the end. It should not be two single beds pushed together. (This is a toughie in Europe).

Breakfast should be Cate’s favourite Muesli and have fresh Orange juice and wholemeal toast.

The coffee should be espresso and not boiled kitty litter that has been left to stand overnight in a vat of Bison urine. (Another toughie).

Overall – it must be nice and she must like it. This is the Catch.

Whatever else it will be it is unlikely to fulfill those last two criteria. Which leads me to write some appropriate (and very bad) Haiku.

Fine hotels are legion
Sadly for me
My choices suck

However, I am nothing if not tenacious and victories like The Grand in Krakow keep me driving forward relentlessly.

Oh - this is nice!

The first time we stayed in the Hotel Kasererbraeu in Salzburg it was quite delightful – apart of course from the Indians from the Italian restaurant next door emptying the contents of their apartment into a large bin outside our window at 6:00 AM. This was covered exhaustively in an earlier blog (3 November 2008 in fact).

This time it was somewhat less than average and it was possibly under new management. It was hard to tell – there were few signs of life and that which was apparent lacked motivation.

The receptionist had been trained by the SAS and was not about to put up with any nonsense from guests whose only role was to ruin her otherwise perfect people-free day.

We had reserved parking but were told on checking in that we could not park there on Saturday night as they were full.

“But we have reserved a parking spot” we said. “You can’t reserve parking” we were told (except that obviously a bunch of people had for Saturday night - and we had an email confirming our parking reservation).

So we did the only thing possible under the circumstances and parked there on Saturday night hoping that someone would come along at some stage and thump the receptionist because they could not get in.

Later I asked her for additional pillows but fled when she started reaching for the club she kept behind the counter.

The apartment idea turned out to be not one of my best (what a surprise) as it comprised two “rooms” separated by only 8 steps – and very creaky steps they were indeed. It was very hot so we had to leave the windows open and the bells damn near drove us mad.

What with the bells and us creeping up and down the creaking stairs all night to get to the bathroom Liz and Darryl were quite frazzled for most of the time.

However, on Saturday we all went to the Salzburger Schlosskonzerte. The concerts are held in the Marble Concert Hall of Mirabell Palace, (where the young Mozart himself was a frequent performer).

The concert was delicious. The performers – Luz Leskowitz and Konstantin Maslyuk - were sensational and the music was perfect – Mozart, Schubert and Franck. We clapped so hard they gave us three encores.

Schladming was delightful again and this time we had rooms overlooking the town. We were in adjoining double rooms and had a balcony on which to store the wine and drink it. There were – as usual – no fridges or air conditioning and it must get really hot in Summer.

We had great trouble finding a Vinothek in Schladming but eventually stumbled on a shop that sold local wines – some of which turned out to be very nice indeed - so we drank as much as we could and took some with us.

In Prague I had booked an apartment based on the photos and description on the Internet.

(Yes you can groan all you like but I am nothing if not a slow learner – and apparently I am also incredibly gullible).

The apartment proved to be a Soviet era monstrosity that had probably once been occupied by a very low level apparatchik with a personality disorder, a seriously dysfunctional family life and poor hygiene.

The ‘bathrooms” were in a row and consisted of a single toilet, a bathroom with toilet and shower and another room with a bath and what may have been a washing machine but could also have been a Soviet era motor vehicle with its wheels missing.

The toilet was so small that when I sat down I could press my nose against the door whilst remaining seated. I think it may have been designed by British Airways.

The second bathroom was uninhabitable because an entire family of ferrets had died recently and had been dropped into the adjacent light well to fester.

The walls were very thin and we were kept awake at night by a family of rats in the wall having a knees up – and also by the bloody bells from the church next door.

Late at night hordes of shrieking people exited bars and started throwing rubbish bins and each other through shop windows but – apart from the bells – which went all night – things quieted down about 5:00 AM.

Everyone was very nice and made encouraging noises to me ‘really – it’s not so bad – we can get rabies shots and be disinfected when we get home – and isn’t it good that the rats are having such a nice time!.’

The Grand Hotel in Cracow was a 5 Star hotel which I found at an incredible discount while searching the Internet for my customary disgusting hovel.

I hasten to add that I do not start out looking for disgusting hovels but always manage to gravitate towards these by making compromises about price and location – and of course being sucked in by the photo-shopped images on the websites.

The Grand partially redeemed me for my earlier efforts but the memories will linger with all of us for some time.

The worst part is not the hotel – it’s the look of disappointment on Cate’s face when she sees it for the first time.

“Oh – this is nice" she says and I know I have failed again.

Hitler would hate what they have done to Kehlstein

As expected, my laptop refused to work anywhere – with either wireless or cable. Hence the Blog silence.

I suspect it is a simple problem but as the operating system is in German it will still be some time before I know enough to get it working properly – by which time I am sure we will have parted company – and indeed it very nearly ended up going out the fourth floor window of the Templova Apartments in Prague.

Prague incidentally is quite wonderful but needs a good wash. The buildings are very dirty and next time I go there I am going to take a scrubbing brush and a bucket of soapy water.

The city is one of those to which the communists gave the benefit of their planning and organisational skills so large parts of it are pretty well stuffed – but are slowly on the mend.

But the roads! ‘Pedestrian Overpass’ is not something that was ever mentioned in the Roads Department (It would be wrong to call it a ‘Planning Department’ because clearly no planning ever took place).

Consequently you drive for 50 kilometers in and out of Prague along something that purports to be a main road and have to stop every 500 meters for a pedestrian to cross (to where? Are half his goats on the other side of the road?).

Hitler would hate what they have done to the Kehlstein (Eagle’s Nest). The original building is intact but is crawling with people selling tacky tourist stuff – to more tacky tourists than I have ever seen in the one spot before.

There is actually nothing to see apart from the view that Adolf had – and we were disappointed that it does not have the large outdoor area that you often see in documentaries with Adolf and Eva and their hangers on lolling about with Blondie.

This was clearly somewhere else – but where?

Anyway I bought an excellent book ‘History of the Eagle’s Nest’ and now know a lot about how it was built. I can even tell you the number of knives, spoons and forks that were supplied when it was first built. Send me an email if you need to know.

If you do go to Eagle’s Nest at Berchtesgarten – don’t in fact go to the town of Berchtesgarten because it is not there. It is bloody miles away in a different place altogether – and is more difficult to find than you could possibly imagine.

We visited the Bone House at Hallstatt. It is in a ‘cave’ which is much smaller than my study. Entry cost €1.50. That is all you need to know.

We visited the Ice Caves outside Salzburg and these were ‘interesting’. You have to walk uphill for miles to get there and then inside the caves climb 900 steps. If you can stop gasping long enough there are some tremendous piles of ice to be seen and admired.

We visited the Salt Mines at Hallstatt. The best part was the wooden slides between levels that you sit astride and whiz down. There is a plastic dummy called ‘Sepp’ who tells you a story about the ‘Salt Man’ who may or may not (probably not) be thousands of years old – no one will ever know because they have lost him.

I am not sure why they need ‘Sepp’ given that the guide tells you everything else. It doesn’t add anything to the experience. There is also a part where they play music and project pictures of ancient animals and men onto the salt walls. There was no explanation of this incomprehensible interlude.

Hallstatt

Coming home we were diverted off the motorway just before Brno by police and ended up on a side road – from which we never recovered. It was the most excruciating trip we have ever had and we ended up coming into Wien on a one lane road – it took ages.

I discovered to day that this was because the Pope was in Brno trying to drum up some business from the Czechs – who are not much interested in that sort of palaver.

The Pope said that – according to the International Herald Tribune – “history had demonstrated the absurdities to which man descends when he excludes God from the horizon of his choices and actions”.

Excuse me? Clearly they did not teach history at Trainee Pope school.

There are obviously more fatuous statements than this made by Popes present and past – but this has to be up there with the best.