Back to the monkeys

There should be a special place hell for people who design telephone trees for companies in America. 

This would be way down the bottom where it is really hot - but there is a way out. They have a telephone and their task is too get through to the Hell ‘remission section’. The way to do this will be based on the telephone trees they designed. 

Good luck with that!

Hello this is Lucifer - thank you being a valued customer. No one is more important to us than you. Well - actually - almost everyone is more important than you but you know how we carry on. 

I’m sorry - all our associates are busy at the moment. Please hold on interminably while we play some really excruciating music which sounds a bit like six monkeys in a drum playing harmonicas as it rolls down the Rio Grande.

I’m sorry - we value your call - please hold on while Gayle goes to the loo to have a really good cry because she has had such a bad day when assholes like you who ring and bother her. There really are more important things in her life - you know. 

So every few minutes we are going to trick you by having a phone ringing and then someone answering and you will think ‘Than Christ - finally’ but then it will disappear into music again.

Every sixty seconds we will give you some promotional spiel in which you have no interest whatsoever. After an hour you will know the script better than we do. 

After you have waited a really long time someone will come on the line and after 15 seconds of you wittering hysterically they will say - I am sorry -  you need to speak to our “Wittering Client Activation Department’ and the line will go dead for a while - followed by monkeys with harmonicas. 

Eventually you will hang up. Or you will hang on so long that they will hang up. 

Or - and I know this is rare - you will speak to the nicest person in the world who will sympathize with you as your pour out your sorrows and will make so many promises it will make your eyes water. 

And when the call is finished he or she will hit ‘delete’ and you are gone forever.

Back to the monkeys.