I am going to stick to ducks

Stadtpark today

I think I am just a philistine and will never really appreciate art. I have always had great trouble with modern art and impressionism in particular – and as for pointillists – well I always thought they were impressionists with significant problems with alcohol - probably absinthe.

Mind you – I really appreciate the work that goes into impressionist and post-impressionist paintings. We saw some of Van Gogh’s paintings in Amsterdam recently and they are truly breathtaking.  Some of them do not make a lot of sense to me but that is not the point – they made sense to him - and that is all that matters.

As does the fact that now people line up every day to marvel at his work.

But I do love it. I just love going to the Tate Modern or to MOMA and looking at a half a rabbit stuck on a piece of cardboard and covered in glad wrap and wondering how the artist thought of this piece of wizardry – let alone managing to translate it into a practical display.

I mean it cannot have been all that easy to get half a rabbit and preserve it so that the patrons can get near enough to see its innards and the work that has gone into engraving Beowulf onto its front teeth.

And the best part is that you can never really be sure that the artist is not pulling your chain.

Now me – I prefer something like John Constable. I like paintings you can understand. And photos. Give me Ansel Adams – there is no misunderstanding what you are looking at.

But clearly – based on recent events - the world has passed me by. I am going to stick to ducks. 

I have been doing it all wrong

Duck 1

Cate is now in Istanbul – staying in the ‘Swissôtel The Bosphorus’ which is a pretty snappy hotel – or would be if you were on a holiday and able to enjoy it - but in her case the only time she sees the hotel room is late at night when she gets back from her endless meetings.

Anyway it is my favourite hotel and does just about the best breakfast anywhere we have ever been - and there are a couple of chefs who will do your eggs any which way you like and you can have an omelette and have any damn thing you please in it.

But unfortunately this time she is there and I am here and in a couple of days she will back for a few hours and then will be in Delhi and then Mumbai.

It’s starting to get really cold so I have turned on the floor heating in the guest bathroom and that is where the cats spend most of their time now - even when I light the fire – which we do not really need - but I am one of those people who thinks that you cannot really be in Europe in winter and not have a fire. However – there is not point in having a fire without cats in front of it so I will have to re-think my strategy about the guest bathroom.

Now I have been having some thoughts about my photography and have realized that I am going about it the wrong way if I want to be successful. This was prompted by the sale of the attached photograph for €2.7 million – making it the most expensive photograph in the world.

The story in the Times says (in part)

A drab and largely featureless picture of a river has just become the most expensive photograph in the world, selling for $4.3 million (£2.7 million) at auction in New York, prompting raptures in the art world and a great deal of confusion among the general public.

 

Rhein II, a photograph of the Rhine taken by the German artist Andreas Gursky in 1999, had been valued by Christies at up to $3.5 million. On Tuesday night one buyer thought it even more valuable.

Rhein II is one of six photographs taken of the Rhine at an unspecified location. The artist described it as a “particular place with a view over the Rhine which has somehow always fascinated me, but it didn’t suffice for a picture as it basically constituted only part of a picture.”

For those outraged at the thought that a snap shot of a river could have such a price tag, it may be some consolation to know that Gursky put considerable thought into the photograph. He pondered the problem for some time, carrying “this idea for a picture around with me for a year and a half”.

The solution, it appears, was to strip it down further, until it almost resembled the work of an abstract painter. “In the end I decided to digitalise the pictures and leave out the elements that bothered me,” he said.

Gursky, 55, who grew up in Dusseldorf, is usually known for dazzling, richly detailed images portraying aspects of globalisation and commercialism.

“Space is very important for me but in a more abstract way,” he said. “Maybe to try to understand not just that we are living in a certain building or in a certain location, but to become aware that we are living on a planet that is going at enormous speed through the universe. I read a picture not for what’s really going on there, I read it more for what is going on in our world generally.”

Some viewers looking at Rhein II might wonder if the answer to this metaphysical question was: “not much”.

Christie’s, however, offered some basic instructions on how to look at the world’s most expensive photograph. Viewers were “not invited to consider a specific place along the river, but rather an almost ‘platonic’ ideal of the body of water as it navigates the landscape”.

So clearly my photos need some work if they are going to become commercially viable. I have decided that the way forward is to strip the ducks out of my duck pictures – making them effectively duckless. 

The first of these is shown today. This will be part of a limited edition of duckless prints which will be available at my first show. 

He is a lovely man and knows what he doing

Stadtpark - Vienna

When I asked the question ‘Who are you all?’ I was of course asking the question of the weird blog followers – not of my faithful readers – who of course are the only ones who replied – the weird blog followers not being readers of my  blog – and probably not being readers of many blogs at all. So I did not expect any answers – but I got many – and thank you for those.

But I have not blogged for a few days because since Cate went to Moscow I have been busy with chores many and varied – including those of a household nature.

Now Cate gets back tomorrow – briefly. She gets home from Moscow at about 12:30 and leaves for Istanbul at about 5:00. This will give her time to check on the progress I have made on the things she left for me to do (I think I have done everything), brush the cats, have some vegetable soup that I made yesterday and a couple of decent cups of coffee.

But today I discovered some fresh hell in Vienna. Our UPC box has been kaputt for some time. This is the box which provides German TV – which we do not watch – but it also provides BBC World News and a couple of other English language channels which I watch occasionally.

The situation has become more urgent of late because SKY TV no longer provides BBC News – this has just vanished - so the only UK news I can get is SKY – which is very average and recently – for example – showed every single minute of the trial of the doctor who was accused of doing whatever he did to Michael Jackson.

Would people really want to watch that for hours and hours every day? Sorry – I withdraw the question.

So I called Herr Steynmayr a few times over a period of a month or so and he eventually arrived at about 9:15 last night and tested the box and confirmed that it was FUBAR and talked to UPC.

I was surprised that instead of using a technical term to describe the noise it was making he actually mimicked the noise – which was weeeeah.

This convinced them and they said a new box was necessary (weeeeah is apparently a flat line noise).

He said to me that they could send the box which would take 7 to 8 days or I could pick it up. I said are they in Ouagadougou? How do they send it? 

And he said no they are at Favoritenstrasse 80 –which is about 3 kilometers from here – so I said I would pick it up and he said – and I did not really know what he meant at the time – there will be fewer people there if you go early.

You see I really am the eternal optimist. I thought I would arrive at UPC and there would a smiling person behind the counter who would greet me and hand over a new box in exchange for the old dead box.

Well when I arrived at the UPC shop there were all these thousands of sad bastards standing around holding pieces of completely fucked TV equipment – and clutching numbered tickets in their sweaty little paws.

There were 17 counters – as far as I could see only four were attended by live people – there was a fifth person but I am unconvinced that she was alive because she remained motionless during my visit – but she may have been meditating.

My ticket number was 4,566 and the current number when I arrived was 2,567 - so I knew I was in for a wait but people were clattering comatose to the floor at a fairly rapid rate - and I had just had lunch with Merisi so was feeling pretty fresh.

I dragged a seemingly lifeless corpse from a sofa and settled down with Angry Birds.

It seemed no time at all when my number came up – and in fact it was much less than an hour – so the horror I was anticipating did not eventuate. More staff had arrived from somewhere. The customers were generally very stoic. Only one cracked - but she was an Auslander and after a good talking to went and sat down again (albeit sulkily).  

A nice young man gave me a new box which I took home and installed without difficulty. The new box is not the same as the old box and I have a couple of leads left over. This means that sooner or later something is not going to work properly and Herr. Steynmayr will be required again. 

He is a lovely man and knows what he doing.