How many Red Carpet Lounges Can There Be?

For reasons known only to herself the young lady at the Senator check-in in Vienna (the special one reserved for Cate’s illustrious presence) decided to check her bag to Peoria and my bag to Washington. Fair enough. She probably thought it would add a frisson of excitement to the voyage – and it sure as shit did that!

We did not know this so when we got to Washington the man sent Cate on one bus and me on another bus – despite our vigorous protests that we were together.

We thought he was insane – but in fact he knew exactly what he was doing – sending us to different terminals where our bags were.

After a while we established telephone contact and Cate said she had just encountered the rudest person she had ever met in her life.

I said that was rubbish – she says that every time she flies United. She brings out the worst in United staff.

Anyway she was having trouble with the very large Rimowa suitcase. For some reason she had my suitcase.

She always insists on taking the absolute smallest possible suitcase when we travel together. Of course she cannot possibly fit her clothes into hers so she has to put most of her clothes into mine -  so the one  I have to take has to be gigantic.

This was the case today – and today on the way down to the car I regret to say that I fucked my ribs again – when will they ever heal.

So eventually we decided that we would meet in the Red Carpet Lounge and we had this comedy routine:

‘Where are you?’

‘I am in the Red Carpet Lounge.’

‘So am I. I cannot see you.’

Until we discovered there were three Red Carpet Lounges.

It was one of those goat things  - but we are here now and I am writing this at 11:00 PM which is 5:00 AM Vienna time. 

Plan C (Part 1) has worked

The Peoria trip turned out to be a bit more  complicated than I had anticipated – no real surprises there.

We were going to Washington on mileage points - so we could not split the trip and have Cate go to Peoria early and meet me in Washington. We both have to go to Peoria together which means that she gets an air fare from Washington to Peoria and back from Ducky Pharma but I have to pay for one which does not seem right to me particularly as it costs a shitload of money - but anyways.

So I can theoretically also do this on points with United. 


So I am coordinating with Rozalin who is doing Cate’s trip and I have my flights lined up with Cate’s and I say by email to Rozalin ‘Go and do it now’ as I am booking the exact same flights on the United site because it is flashing red saying ‘There is only one "mileage plus" seat left on this flight’ and I press ‘Book Flight Now’.

The flashing sign immediately flicks over to the ‘Fuck You’ sign well known to all website users who are trying to do critical things online - and then it throws me off the site. With an error message which explains everything. It says ‘Error E_ _’

So I try again and again and I get the same sign with the same informative error message, so with a heavy heart and with the usual degree of pessimism - reach for my Skype headset and dial the number for United Airlines ‘customer service’ in the USA.

Oh Jesus in Splints – it’s one of those voice recognition things. It’s going to try and book me a ticket using voice recognition. Well we all know how that is going to end up don’t we?

We never get past the airport thing. The voice thing wants me to leave from Washington-Baltimore Airport and after 10 minutes I am almost ready to agree – but I am thinking that Washington-Baltimore airport is probably in Baltimore and I will be in Washington DC so I would really prefer to leave from Washington Dulles so I dig my heels in and I expect that any minute he is going to move to the default option and cut me off or send me to the mail room in Spearfish - South Dakota.

‘Hi this is United Airlines Parcels Chuck Warbells speaking may I start with your Parcel ID number. You will find this in the top right hand corner of your United Airlines parcel invoice – that is the blue form that you received from United Parcels not the yellow form I repeat the blue form not the yellow form.’

But there is a software malfunction and I am accidentally switched through to a real person - after a fashion – but he cannot help me – because I am in Austria – and am Australian – and he thinks I should be talking to the International Flights people – I am still but-butting about this - as there is clicking and whirring and then I am talking to Cindy Lou.

Cindy Lou is not much interested in my story and I can tell that she is focused more on her iridescent nail polish with the purple sparkles than my sordid tale. Yes she could theoretically book the flights but she cannot take ‘foreign’ credit cards for the taxes.

This makes no sense at all but she is not about listening to reason because she has many other fish to fry - so she suggests I call United Airlines in Austria. She makes up a number and gives this too me. It does not work. Neither of us expected it to.

I try and find the United Airlines site in Austria. There is something that looks like it could be one - but it says that the only way I can book air miles flights is through the website or by calling the USA number that I called already.

Brainwave. Maybe the site was designed by a Democrat who hated Arnold Schwarzenegger for being the Republican governor of California - hence the refusal to accept my Austrian credit card. I try with my Australian credit card. Success.

Frau Flapovic turned up on our front doorstep yesterday with the key I thought I had lost in the supermarket. I must have left it in the door of the Müllraum but Frau Flapovic waited 24 hours to see if I could get into my apartment without it. She would have found it within 15 minutes of my leaving it there. Perhaps it was a test.

Lenny got the new SIM card and has tested it. It works. He is ready to send it to our hotel in Peoria. What can go wrong? I am making a list.