I really do try

I think we stayed here once. 

Glen reminded me a week or so ago of the occasions when choices of travel or accommodation do not meet with the expectations of spouses. I regret that in my case this is most travel and most occasions on which I am solely responsible. I have had some memorable failures – but not for lack of effort on my part and I really do try.

I scour the Internet and sites like tripadvisor looking for exactly the right place at exactly the right price.

An impossible task. 

I look at the pictures and I read the reviews. I look at the pictures carefully – enlarging them where possible to see if there are rats scurrying into corners or spiders nesting in corners.

I take all reasonable precautions - but I often choose badly because I am looking for value for money. Quality and little money are mutually exclusive.

Air travel is a bit easier because there are usually very few options and they are all usually awful.

So the outcomes are often unfortunate and lead to some hurtful remarks being made by my spouse.

They usually start with the plane.

I haven’t heard of this airline before dear – is it registered in Panama?

I need to go to the bathroom now – it sure smells nice - did you bring the rubber gloves and the plunger?

Did you choose these seats darling - or did you perhaps insult the person at check-in rather badly?

Or on the way to the hotel from the airport.

Do you think this area was recently carpet bombed or has it just not been cleaned up from the last war?

And in the hotel

Oh look they got the Foyer done by Al Qaeda

Nice carpet. Do you think they still execute people here or has it not been cleaned since – and I’m guessing here – 1943.

And the room:

Goodness we appear to have interrupted them in the middle of the demolition. Pop outside and see if they are still in the corridor dear – we could get them to move the wheelbarrows so that we can get into the bed- it is a bed is it not?  It looks more like a crushed crumpet with crunchy yellow edges – no it must be the bed – I can see the remains of a Doona.

Very Avant-garde. Exposed wiring and plumbing. It reminds me a bit of the Pompidou centre - but of course just a teensy bit smaller.

You get the rats out of the bath darling and I will see if anyone has died on the other side of the mattress as well.

I wonder if anyone has committed suicide in here.  It looks like the perfect spot – of course the window is too small to squeeze out of but I suppose they could have just let the rats gnaw them to death.

Ah now lets see - there must be a light switch somewhere – unless it used to be a cell and the light stayed on all night – yes that must be it - I can still see the initials carved on the walls – perhaps you could reach up and remove the light globe dear – no it won’t be too hot it's only about 2 watts – but don’t use the chair - it seems to have only three legs.

Undaunted I struggle on. I have recently booked hotels in Lapland, Jerusalem, London and Male. Can’t wait.

Angry birds and the evil thieving pigs

Cate was in Cairo last week and got back on Thursday. On Saturday she went to Jakarta.

Naturally when she is away the cats and I busy ourselves with household chores, shopping, washing, cleaning, dusting etc. 

(Actually I don't do any cleaning because that would be depriving Mrs Moneypenny of her employment - but I think about it).

But when that is done we play and one of my current ways of doing this is to investigate the coolest Apps for my iPhone and iPad.

One of these is Angry Birds.

The idea is that these evil pigs have stolen the bird’s eggs and made them very unhappy. And rightly so – if someone stole your eggs you would be pissed off too!

The player has to fire the birds out of a slingshot at the pig’s houses and knock the houses down and kill the evil pigs. (Who sit there smugly with their stolen eggs - grinning at the birds. GRINNING!)

There is a high rate of attrition because whenever you fire a bird at the pigs the bird dies (by exploding).

If you are lucky the pigs die as well and you can move on to kill more evil pigs. It’s very satisfying - and much better that it sounds - and totally addictive.

I hate those evil thieving bastard grinning pigs!

I am up to level 3 (out of about a zillion) so have some way to go.

It is alarmingly addictive.

I am being stalked by a Hamburger

This is the culprit!

I read a story in the International Herald Tribune a few weeks ago about a woman who was being stalked by advertisements for weight loss. 

She had done a search some time ago for weight loss information and ever since then she was followed everywhere she went on the Internet by weight loss advertisements and diet information. 

These apparently made her so uncomfortable that she was no longer able to use the Internet without feeling flabby. This made her so unhappy she ate until she was flabby. Then she was reminded how flabby she was by the advertisements.  

I did not pay much attention to his because I assumed that is how it works if you are an active user of the Internet and social networking sites. Your IP address leaves an indelible trail on the Internet and once you show an interest in something you are marked and targeted forever. 

I knew Google targeted me because the little ads on my screen are aimed squarely at me. One I get all the time is ‘Is Jesus God?’ I  have never clicked to find out – but one day I will have a look to see if Jesus is God. I suspect not - but as you know I am always keen to expand my knowledge of things religious.

This type of tracking has always been the case with Amazon - but those cunning devils out there in Google land and elsewhere are developing more and more sophisticated software that can track you like a Bloodhound no matter where you are.   Google knows what you search for search for and will target you with advertisements which reflect your interest.

I realized to my great horror about a week ago that I was being stalked by a Hamburger. Everywhere I go it goes. Sydney Morning Herald, New York Times, CNN – doesn’t matter. The damn Hamburger is always with me. I just cannot imagine why I became a Hamburger target. I look for a lot of things on line but have never felt compelled to look for Hamburgers.

This is a very sinister development and does not augur well for future Internet use. As far as I know there is no way of stopping this sort of stuff – which is only going to get a lot worse. That Hamburger could be with me for the rest of my life.

The only effective way to overcome the problem is to do what I do when I have to use US and UK sites where I theoretically need to be a resident. I have a VPN that enables me to use servers in most countries - so I can just plug into a UK and USA server and the Hamburger can’t find me.

Imagine its horror when it knows I am online but it can’t find me. Frantically scuttling around all over Austria shouting 'where is he?'

When he gets back to the server his boss asks ‘How did you go with the Badger today?’

‘I lost him Boss. He knew he was being followed and gave me the slip’.

But I know that it is only a matter of time before all servers everywhere talk to each other and I will not able to escape for the Hamburger. One day I will open the front door there it will be. A Beefburger with lettuce hanging over the sides and probably a bloody pickle that I always have to pick out and throw away.

Spare me.